Month: September 2011
My Idiotbox in Broken
….. and I want the network executives to fix it, now!
It is understandable that the summer programming season for television is rife with reality television because it is cheaper to produce. However, there are some of us that look forward to the Fall programming season to see what new adventures we will get to experience. We are introduced to new characters who remind us that our lives may not be so bad after all. We are taken to exotic locations, far off space stations and into suburban homes with people who aren’t much different than us. We even enjoy those that are very different than us and we can commiserate, emulate, or just feel empathy for the current plight. The plight I am empathizing with commiserating with is my own. I am disappointed, let down and feel somewhat betrayed. Allow me to tell you what I am thinking and why I feel this way.
Here is my first big disappointment. Seven minutes into this show I was angry. The whole family was a bunch of rule breakers, starting with choosing to have the extra child, punching the officer, going to prison, the prison break out aided by the wife, the weird closet baby who wanders off to feed a dinosaur, the overly smart strange daughter and the dumb ass son. You have traveled back in time and you decide to be a tough guy and go outside the gate where there are animals that EAT you. Why? To be a rule breaker like your dear old dad. Not impressed, rather angry, I am going to more episodes, then if it does not become more logical in the evolvement, then they have lost a viewer.
Then there is The New Girl who pulled the old bait and switch. It lured us in with the hope of the comedic stylings of Damon Wayans Jr and then this week, we were treated to generic black guy. He wasn’t even funny.
Then I tuned in to Fringe. I don’t know what the frick is going on there. Somehow or other there is a rooftop in Boston that has an elevator that separates the time warp shifty thingy between the two universes. Really, all I have to do is take the Purple elevator up to floor number 1999 and ask for Prince?
It doesn’t stop here. I was excited to watch Law & Order SVU and found myself saying oh, great, it’s another rape case. This week, it is an old white guy that likes to rape young boys that he coaches. Isn’t that the same story we saw on Criminal Minds with Derek? It’s not even an original rape. I feel like the Special Victim here and to add insult to injury, you know that Stabler is leaving right?
There is nothing left, but pay tv. I must pay to be an idiot and have my home box entertain me. I have not been disappointed thus far. Free television is a statement of you get what you pay for, and that is nothing. I do have HBO and Showtime because I must spend time with my favorite serial killer that only kills bad people. Dexter premiers this Sunday and I cannot wait. It is enough of a fix to tide me over to January when the Game of Thrones start again.
Well, it is off to be tortured with Xfactor until Criminal Minds brings on someone that is about to be killed.
But She is My Friend…………………….
After the week I have had, I am thoroughly convinced that people are losing their minds! First I receive a text out of the blue from a friend who just has to see me, and invites me for drinks on Saturday night. Secondly, I receive an email from another friend who is itching to scrapbook but want to have lunch first and them get started about 3 pm after her hubby comes back to be able to sit with the dog. Last, but not least, I literally run into an old friend in Wal-Mart, who avoids me. Me? What did I do to you? She treated me as if she caught me sleeping with her husband.
Let me back up for a minute and start with friend one and the call out of nowhere. Initially, a month ago, she calls and tells me she is having a get together for the ladies at the church and she wants me to come over. She did not invite me as a guest, but as an extra pair of hands. I guess this was supposed to be our bonding time. She actually expected me to show up and work my butt off serving her guest. I refused.
Fast forward two months, her over complicated life is about to swallow her up and she knows the perfect friend to call. This of course would be me. How the bleep do you figure that I have nothing better to do with time other than make you feel better about yourself and your sorry life choices? She was buying lunch, I wanted hot wings, so I went. I made her feel better and she was proud to say she calls me friend.
The second friend, which, we haven’t know each other that long, we really aren’t that close, and really haven’t had a chance to truly bond. Our first night out with her and her hubby, they brought the 10 year old. Understandaly, you didn’t have a sitter. Second time we met, she left the windows down on the car and I thought, well maybe she doesn’t like air conditioning. There was a dog in the back seat. I was informed that the dog had some issues and did not like to be left home alone.
Two weeks later, we are planning to get together to scrapbook. She said she has to bring her dog.
I. Don’t. Have. A . Dog.
She said he would be fine if I had shade in my back yard. What makes you think I want dog crap in my yard? I can see making a concession for your 10 year old, even considering I don’t have one, but for your dog? You have lost your damn mind!
Last but not least, to my former friend in the store, I am sorry if I have done something to offend you. I am even sorrier if you have done something to offend me that I have yet to learn. I am sorry that we have come to this point in our relationship. Which leads me to this thought, why do I call these people friend?
I am starting a running list of my new dirty words and friend comes in at number two. I am uncertain if we have entered such and electronic world where knowing the intimacies of your life via your Tweets and Facebook posts, makes us close. It does not. It makes you a person who is losing touch with reality. Where were you in your book of “Hello, God, it’s me Magaret…” that no one answered you back?
If your friends do not have small children, then it is not okay to bring your child to dinner. If your friend does not have a dog, then why would you want to bring yours to my house? If I don’t call you to vent and unload my problems, then why do you think it is okay to do this to me? Why, because you call me friend? Out of curiosity, what do you think I call you?
If you are avoiding me in the store, then the problem lies within you. I have not wronged you and you will not afford me the opportunity to make it right. Dictionary.com defines friend as “a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.” If you hold these people you call friend in high regard, then treat them as such and not as a person who owes you something, your personal counselor, or someone you need to hate in order to feel alive.
On the other shoe, if she gets drunk every time you go out, and you have to be their babysitter, you can also scratch them off your list as a friend. If you constantly have to bail them out, literally and figuratively, then maybe you should not call them friend. Today I am making a list, and noting the qualities I like in those who support me and I them and why I choose to call them my friend. I am glad you are on my list.
Coupon Crazy!
I am addicted. I am not shame and I will shout from the rafters that I am hooked. I watched an episode of Extreme Couponing and once I saw how much money they were saving, I said, “I can do that!” I started clipping and I also started saving money. I am far from extreme, but I am, unequivocally a coupon clipper.
Ironically, I can remember a time when whipping out a coupon was considered low class and made the bearer appear to be a cheapskate. People who clipped coupons were rumored to live in a house full of cats, made quilts and homemade jams. In essence, they were regarded as a step above being a hippie. Not anymore, welcome to the new breed of savvy shoppers and coupon clippers. Let me help you get started. It is easier than you think.
First we must determine what kind of shopper you are. If you are not organized enough to have to deal with a little purse of coupons, or have hours to spend price comparing in the grocery store, then we can start here. The easiest way to save is with your frequent shopper cards and make them work for you versus just having them dangling on your key chain. Kroger and Bi-Lo offers you Fuel Perks. The money you spend in the store earns you a few cents off your gas purchase at each visit. You can also download coupons to your rewards card and when you check out, they automatically take the savings off your final purchase! BiLo even offers you double coupons so you can save twice the money. I know right! No clipping, no coupons and you don’t have to seem like a crazy cat lady who makes quilts and jam.
Saving at the grocery store isn’t your only option. Crafters have long been saving at Michael’s, Joann’s and Hobby Lobby. The great thing about craft stores, if you have a coupon from another store, they will honor the discount. We can take it one further. If you are a teacher, you can also get teacher discounts at Joann’s and save an addition 15%. These programs are also available at Staples and Office Max. No matter what you are into, if you look, there is a coupon, a Groupon, and Living Social break. If you have a smart phone, you can download coupon apps and have discounts and bargains at your fingertips.
Now, I can understand if all of this couponing is far too much of a commitment, then here is the perfect solution, just price compare. Use that smartphone to help you make some smart decisions. There are several bar code scanners that will scan the price, and give you the best deals in a 50 mile radius, including online.
There are all types of coupons to help you save money when you want to dine in or dine out. Find out if your favorite location has a frequent shopper program or a loyalty program. I am one who believes in getting my money’s worth and each day I am out looking for ways to save money, cut lost and reduce my back end, literally and figuratively. You can find the savings approach that works best for you or you can search on Twitter and search under coupons. You can get real time updates on savings.
I have looked into Coupon Suzy and a few other sites, but those are more regional. The economy isn’t going to turn around on its own and in the meantime and in between time, I am working on some Christmas quilts for my great nieces and some jam from some pears my friend send over from her tree. Happy savings!
Love, the New Dirty, Four Letter Word……
September 17, 2011
The other day, I was in the grocery store and I saw a Mother beating the crap out of her kid because he kept asking her to buy him items that were evidently out of her budget. It did 
not take me long to
quickly access that this was the case, because she reiterated, by yelling at the six year old stating, “I told yo azz in da car, don’t be in here begging for Sh*t, cause I can’t afford it!” Okay, that was understood, but the child did not understand it, and here is the part that I did not understand. She saw me watching her, and turned, bold as day and told me, “Ain’t nobody gonna Love my child the way I do, and I have to teach them now that life is hard.” If this isL, then I would hate to see how you deal with someone you don’t like, let alone hate. This is where we come to our discussion for this week and the dirty word that I am quickly starting to despise myself, Love.
Love is the one word in the Bible, for all you naysayers that want to argue that we should Love our fellow man, which is defined.
7 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails
13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
-1 Corinthians 13
Evidently our Mom of the Year has never read this passage, and neither have a lot of other people for that matter. As a Mother, it is our job to care for, protect and see to the needs of our children. It is our job to make sure they understand what “good” Love is so they can distinguish the parameters of bad Love. However, in the name of Love, there are countless atrocities against children by mothers who want to keep a man in the home, because she Loves him. There are atrocities committed against children by fathers who didn’t want to go outside of the home for sexual fulfillment, because they Love their families. There are groups of men who Love young boys so much that they will snatch them off the street or buy one from a struggling poor family, so they can Love them to death. There are families who so Love their children they will sell them to the first truck coming, so they can have a better life and not starve. Yes, all of this, in the name of love.
Children are not the only victims of the dirty word, so are our teens and young adults, who are convinced they are in Love. They date older guys who Love and buy them things. This Love convinces them that we are one, and you do not need a condom. Love has just given you an STD, or AIDs and therefore has just sentenced you to death. Just remember, your partner did say that they Love you.
At any hospital on a full moon, or a payday Friday night, Love sends at least 50 women in each city to the emergency room. Their spouse, 
man, mate, shack up buddy, has used Love taped to a stick, to beat the crap out of them. Somehow or other he even convinced her that in doing so, Love would help her to understand his growing need to use his fist on her face. However this time, Love completely took over, went too far, and took her life force. Love is now putting him in jail for manslaughter.
Love, always protects and always hopes. This is the mantra that is chanted by millions of housewives across the world. This is the hope of spouses who know and understand that those whispered phone calls in the middle of the night, are not to your partners mother to discuss her arthritis. Love, somehow walked over to your spouse, whispered in their ear, and convinced them that they still had it. What it is, and why it should be shared, is beyond me, but the person with whom they are sharing it, Loves them. As the argument continues, while your partner is sitting there with a tub of ice cream, feeling dejected, you 
boldly state, “They Love me, for me.”
No, they Love your representative. The real you is a liar, a cheat and has dishonored your vows. The real you smiles in your partner’s face, while the representative is out sticking his face in someone else’s partner. Love talked you into believing your own press, your own hype and has told you that this new representative is the “real you” and that it Loves this new direction. The new direction is going to be one of loneliness. The 80’s are over, you are no longer twenty, and the only thing you can capably do all night is sleep. I hope Love was kind enough to tell you that! Love is just a dirty word used on a small scale to make others feel big.
Let’s use our dirty word on a larger scale. Let’s use it toward patriotism. Love has told many a believer that in order to get to heaven, you must love your God and your country. This Love of God and country makes you want to kill others who do not think as you think, Love as you Love, or worship as you do. Love took down the World Trade Center. Love created the Tea Party. Love created a movement of “yes, we can!” The Tea Party, Congress, and Love banded together and proved to us all that “No, you can’t.” Love of money, created balloon mortgages, Ponzi schemes, and a Wall Street that ate a country alive. Love of a large profit margin moved our businesses out of our country and created unemployment. Love has made the most powerful country in the world, powerless, and a suburb of China.
I do not like this word Love. Love is a liar. Love is misused, abused, and put on a street corner to sell itself. Love shows up to your house and whispers sweet nothings in your ear with one hand in your pants and the other in your wallet. Love uses manipulation to make you believe that it is there for you, and will forsake you for all others, while it caresses your cheek with its left hand, and smacks the butt cheek of its Lover with the right. Love calls you at night and talks to you for 30 minutes making you feel appreciated, then hangs up and calls another Bitch and tells her the same thing. Love lies in bed beside you at night massaging your ego, and next week is at a flea bag hotel with some internet person who is well hung. Love is a dirty four letter word that is overused.
Stop it. Think about what you are saying, and why you are saying it, because what you are saying and doing does not match. Love has made you into a hypocrite. Yeah, yeah, Love you too!
Romance is Dead
I want to believe, I really do, but after listening to non-satellite radio, I am convinced that romance is dead.
“I want your ugly, I want your disease, I want your everything as long as it’s free.” – Lady Gaga
What the bleep? This is not romantic music.
I don’t blame the music industry.
I don’t blame lame TV shows that require you to get a rose in order to feel relevant.
I don’t blame movies for forgetting how to get it right.
I blame women.
Yes, you, Ms. Bring a movie and pick up some Chinese food for our date night. That is not a date; that is a booty call. When did we as women stop feeling as if our feelings mattered? Why is it that we no longer want him to be able to ignite our fires, but we are okay if he can just buy a match. However, this cannot just be one sided, my ladies, when was the last time you even got close to the oven to get him heated? He needs as much romance as we do. Enough of the puppy love and unadventurous dates, time to add some spark to your repertoire and some spark to your weekend. Date night is about to get grown up. According to Men’s Health Magazine online, there are lists, and lists and more lists on how to get it right. There is a list of what women believe makes the perfect date. If you can’t get it 
right, you can at least get close.
- 5 Sensual Touching Tricks to Turn Her On
- Ace 5 Crucial Relationship Moments
- 50 Things Women Wish Men Knew
- 5 Ways to Please Her Every Time
- 10 New Places to Have Sex
Now this is a good start.
Granted, not every date can be expensive or extensive; sometimes the best dates in the world can be at home. I have inserted a nice link here for you to find ways to get your romance on in your own home. What I am suggesting here is to use your imagination to exercise your romantic elbow. Flex that sucker and give the person in your life a chance to remember why you are together. We are not talking about putting on a pair of your best Victoria’s Secret gear, or showing your pole dance moves, this is about getting into your partner’s head and saying I appreciate having you in my life. I want you to take a minute to re-evaluate why you wake up next to this person, how you got here and remind them that your heart is still beating and romance in your mind is still alive.
I will leave you with this link that gives you 100 great date night ideas. While you are on your date, I challenge you to learn one new thing about your partner, date or mate. You cannot honestly know how to romance your partner if you do not fully understand with whom you are sharing your life. I want to believe that romance is alive. Come back and share with me why you also think that romance is not dead but alive in your life. I can’t wait to read your comments and just in case, here is your red rose to let you know you are a keeper.
Olivia Gaines Author 
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