Month: March 2013

Moving to the Next Level

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Every day I am excited to learn something new. My latest endeavor, is to start a  Blog Talk Radio show.

I am looking to do a couple of test shows with some indie authors. A nice 30 minute show where Indie Authors talk about their latest projects, triumphs, and failures.

The show is titled: “In My Own Words.”

Interested indie authors who wish to be on the show, inbox, email and follow me on http://blogtalkradio.com/indieauthor.

Indie Author Chat2

Looking to do my first broadcast in April.  The shows will air on Fridays.

Co-op Advertising for Self-Publishing Authors in Publishers Weekly

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Self-Publishing News for Self Publishing Authors

Want to reach thousands of people with a proven interest in literature? Want to do it on the cheap?

Publishers Weekly reaches over 80,000 booksellers, publishers, public and academic librarians, wholesalers, distributors, agents, and writers in addition to more than 360,000 unique monthly website visitors with a color ad in the “most visible and trusted publication to market your products and services.”

You can reach this influential readership with a Co-Op advertisement.

Outskirts Press handles all of the details.

Co-Op Advertising allows you to secure premium, full-color exposure for your book in a high-quality trade publication for a minimal amount of money. Your book will occupy a 2″ x 2″ space along with other titles within a full-color ad. Your ad space will include a full color cover image, an abbreviated synopsis, the ISBN, and retail price of the book. All books will include retail and wholesale ordering information.

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Screw that! I’d Rather Have the Pain!

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220px-LyricaHave you listened to some of the side effects of some of these drugs?

If these are the side effects, please just let me experience the pain.
LYRICA is not for everyone. LYRICA may cause serious, even life threatening, allergic reactions. Stop taking LYRICA and call your doctor right away if you have any signs of a serious allergic reaction. Some signs are swelling of your face, mouth, lips, gums, tongue, throat or neck, or if you have any trouble breathing, or have a rash, hives or blisters.

Drugs used to treat seizures increase the risk of suicidal thoughts or behavior. LYRICA may cause suicidal thoughts or actions in a very small number of people, about 1 in 500. Patients, family members or caregivers should call the doctor right away if they notice suicidal thoughts or actions, thoughts of self harm, or any unusual changes in mood or behavior. These changes may include new or worsening depression, anxiety, restlessness, trouble sleeping, panic attacks, anger, irritability, agitation, aggression, dangerous impulses or violence, or extreme increases in activity or talking. If you have suicidal thoughts or actions, do not stop LYRICA without first talking to your doctor.

LYRICA may cause swelling of your hands, legs and feet, which can be serious for people with heart problems. LYRICA may cause dizziness and sleepiness. You should not drive or work with machines until you know how LYRICA affects you. Also, tell your doctor right away about muscle pain or problems along with feeling sick and feverish, or any changes in your eyesight including blurry vision, or if you have any kidney problems or get dialysis.

Some of the most common side effects of LYRICA are dizziness, blurry vision, weight gain, sleepiness, trouble concentrating, swelling of your hands and feet, dry mouth, and feeling “high.” If you have diabetes, tell your doctor about any skin sores.

You may have a higher chance for swelling and hives if you are also taking angiotensin converting enzyme (ACE) inhibitors so tell your doctor if you are taking these medications. You may have a higher chance of swelling of your hands or feet or gaining weight if you are also taking certain diabetes medicines. Do not drink alcohol while on LYRICA. You may have a higher chance for dizziness and sleepiness if you take LYRICA with alcohol, narcotic pain medicines, or medicines for anxiety.

Before you start LYRICA, tell your doctor if you are planning to father a child, or if you are pregnant, plan to become pregnant, or are
breast-feeding. If you have had a drug or alcohol problem, you may be more likely to misuse LYRICA.

That’s Not What I Asked You To Do

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google-scolding I’m in trouble.  I just got my rump chewed up, spit out and handed back to me on a silver platter.  I made a simple request of a coworker that evidently cannot follow instructions. Since I am in trouble, evidently, I could not either. However, why is it when you make a simple request of someone, they either feel it necessary to interject their ten cents into the scenario or just feel they know better and are going to do it their way? Please allow me to tell you what I was just thinking about and my thought process in this sticky matter.

Thursday was crazy.  I had a board meeting downtown at 4 pm and another meeting at 4 pm as well.  I was also assigned to cover a meeting at 8 pm for my boss by taking notes. By 3:30, I am not feeling well.  I am hungry and irritated.

The 4 o’clock meeting goes well, it moves along at a clip and at 4:20 I am out of the door.  I drive like a bat out of Hades headed to a sale at the fruit grove.  I arrived at 4:40 for the second meeting and am informed that I must take minutes. What?  I have 1600 college degrees and you want me to play secretary? Fine!

aac7d80d730c78e86381a42de8cffae2            The Goddess of Karma must have been listening to my ego and made this meeting drag out until 6:45. I needed to get home, feed the cat, I was still hungry, now I was carrying an attitude, and was a half hour past downright ornery. I was headed home and not to an 8 pm meeting!. I went to my coworker slash friend and made a simple request which was as follows:

“I need to get home, and I’m not sure I will make it back on time.  Can you go to the meeting, make sure everyone signs in, and start this recorder for the minutes?”

Very clear right?

I even explained that a member of the team would be informed to stop the recorder at the end of the meeting and I would pick it up the next day.

On Friday, I had retrieved the recorder and was under the impression that everything was fine, well that was until Monday.

My friend tells me that she got sick in the middle of meeting and threw up.  The meeting had to be adjourned early and the whole thing was a mess.

My eyes went to my bag that held the recorder. Maybe I should have played it back on Friday.

My eyes went back to her.

My eyes went back to the bag.

I was trying to get away from her so I could go and listen to the recording but I never made it there because my boss stopped me in the hall.  I tried to cushion the blow, “Did you get my email on Thursday?”

Her answer, “Not good, Cheryl….not good.”

There was little I could say, I thought I had everything covered and evidently did not.  She opened her mouth and chewed up my right thigh, disemboweled me, and continued munching down my left side.

I had to play that tape. When I finally got her jaw to unhinged from my ass, I found a quiet place to get the recorder out of the bag and play back to the tape.

I did.

Not good, Cheryl, not good.

Question One, which part of take attendance and set the recorder and leave did you not understand Gosh Dangit? it got worse, that heifer tried to run the meeting!

She started taking notes, stopped people who were speaking, asking them to “wait, wait, hold up, back up, and say that again….”

She even had the audacity to add personal home girl commentary like, “Oh no, you didn’t either!”

I was mortified.

Stop laughing, it got worse.

I hear a gurgle in the background of the tape, and am asking myself, what in the world is that?  It is my friend.  She has started to wretch.

I know!  I am asking the same thing.  “Is she throwing up?”

Yes, she was and it was projectile vomiting.  I heard the senior VP scream, “Oh for F*cks Sake!”

Projectile_Vomiting_CartoonI hear my friend apologizing.

Why Dear Jesus why?

I now understand why my boss told me, “People like you and me, we have to do what’s right, because when we try to cut the corners, it all goes horribly awry.”

Oh for F*cks Sake, that is an understatement!

I am angry because if my friend had just done what I had asked, I would still have my bowels, my ass cheeks and the respect of my boss.  But noooooooo, she had to go and mess it up for everyone.

Please don’t misunderstand; I do take full responsibility for my lack of accountability.  At the end of the day, the responsibility was mine and mine alone. I dropped the ball and let my boss down, but I am still angry at my friend who only needed to follow instructions.

Who are you calling old?

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This was shared with me via email by a writing friend, and I found myself laughing so loud and empathizing at the same time.  Enjoy.

 

This is  hilarious!!! (Only because it’s so close to  home!!!)   

             $5.37!    That’s  what the kid behind the counter at Taco  Bell said to  me.    I  dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two  dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher.    Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head  back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me.   

He said, “It’s OK. I’ll just give you the senior citizen  discount.” I turned to see who  he was talking to and then heard the sound of change  hitting the counter in front of  me.   

“Only  $4.68”  he said cheerfully. I stood there stupefied. I  am 56, not even 60 yet?    A  mere child!    Senior  citizen? I took my burrito and walked out to  the truck wondering what was wrong with  Elmo.    Was he blind?    As I sat in the truck, my blood began to  boil.    Old?  Me?

I’ll show him, I  thought.    I  opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to  the counter,  and  there he was waiting with a smile. Before I  could say a word, he held up something and jingled it  in front of me,  like  I could be that easily  distracted!   

What am I now?    A toddler? “Dude!  Can’t get too far without your car keys,  eh?”   

I  stared with utter disdain at the  keys.    I  began to rationalize in my mind! 

“Leaving  keys behind hardly makes a man  elderly!    It could happen to  anyone!” I turned and headed back to the truck.    I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn’t  turn. 

What now?    I checked my keys and tried  another.    Still nothing. That’s when I noticed the purple beads hanging  from my rear view mirror.    I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus:    The car seat in the back seat.    Happy Meal toys spread all over the  loorboard.    A partially eaten dough nut on the dashboard. Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien  vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot,   relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.    That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger!    My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my  burrito,   only it was nowhere to be found. I swung the truck around, gathered my courage,  and strode back into the restaurant one final  time.    There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail  polish.    All I could think was, “What  is the world coming to?” All I could say was, “Did  I leave my food and drink in here”?   

At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me  back to my vehicle,  and then go straight home and apply for Social Security  benefits. Elmo had no clue.    I  walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention.    He was holding up a drink and a  bag.    His mother explained,    “I think you left this in my truck by mistake.” I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized. She offered these kind  words:    “It’s OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the  time.”

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone.    Yessss,  I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.    And no, I told the officer, I’m not too old to be driving this fast. As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the  hall.    I  handed her a bag of cold food and a  $300 speeding ticket.   

I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey. The good news was that I had successfully found my way  home. Pass this on to the other “old fogies” on your list (so they can have fun laughing, too). Notice the larger  type?   

That’s for those of us who have trouble reading. P.S.  Save the earth…… It’s the only planet with  chocolate!!!!!

 

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I Am Going….

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No matter how much I do, I never seem to have enough time to do more. Therefore, I have made a decision.

I am going to do less.

I have been giving my time to people who don’t serve it, and starting today, they will now recieve less of me.

shopping ladyI then started to make a list of the things that I am going to do.

I am giving away too much of my money to the grocers. I saw this nice lady in the store yesterday and she had a calculator with a tape ribbon.  I am so getting one of these, along with my coupons and I am going to give my Grocer less of my money.

I am going to use more coupons and I will organize myself so that I use coupons on sale items to save even more.

I am going to spend less time in front of the boob tube being a boob.  It doesn’t really relax me because these shows are insipid, the charactrers are stupid and the life choices they make are irrelevant to how I am living my life.

Mr. Cable Box, you shall receive much less of my time! (Well I say less, but let’s face it, Game of Thrones is back on March 31st!)

Facebook, Twitter and stuff and such, you are a complete waste of time.  Although I do enjoy some great one liners on Twitter.

I have so much to do.

There is never enough time.

There is never enough me.

I can never get enough sleep.

I am pooped.

I am going…..to bed.