men
Is your independency keeping you single?
I was on Facebook this morning and saw a post that begged the question, of whether men were intimidated by strong independent women?
I found myself utterly and completely fascinated with most of the answers which in part, where mostly defensive. Answers gravitated from recession concession to jealousy, to a real independent woman does not want to lose her independence. There were even comments from one gentleman who boasted about his independent woman’s gift giving and how she provided him pocket money. It was one extreme to the next, but the real question to all of you today, is your independence keeping you single?
Everyone wants to have or belong to someone, but some see companionship as compromise, while others argue why do I need a man to give me what I can provide for myself. Have we, as women, become so competitive in the workplace that we have forgotten the simple art of being a lady. Being a lady has nothing to do with your independence. I will admit, there are some men who are challenged by women who are smarter and more accomplished than themselves, but the majority of men, truly want to spend time in the company of a lady.
Webster’s defines lady as a refined, well spoken and polite woman of high social position and is the parallel of gentleman. This definition is pretty clear but just in case there is some confusion, parallel is complimentary. A woman’s relationship to and with a man, should be complimentary. This does not mean that you have to sacrifice who you are, what you have accomplished or your dreams or ambitions, in order to have a relationship with a m
an, but to compliment what he does and who he is. A prime example is Michelle Obama. She is complimentary to her husband and her accomplishments and achievements stand on their own, but she relishes her independent mind, but excels in her role as wife and mother. She is the epitome of the example of you can have it, without the sacrifice.
What does it take to have your independence and a great relationship? Take the focus off of being so damned independent and place the focus on being a lady. Place your focus on being complimentary. Place your focus on being parallel and lined up with something other than your own goals. When we remove ourselves from that constant cycle of “me…me…myself…I…wait back to me…” we have the golden opportunity to sit on the side and cheer for someone else. In the end, that is all your man truly wants, is for you to cheer for him once in a while. He is proud of you and what you have done, and he brags about you at the barber shop even though you don’t know it. He says with pride when he visits with his Mom or chats with his Dad about the things you are doing on the job. Can you say the same, without a sadden sigh because he hasn’t reached his full potential? Can you say the same without a snide comment of “now if he would just pick up his drawers, and put them in the hamper…”. Can you say the same without nitpicking him to death over dinner because he ordered a steak and you chose a salad? Here’s a hint sisters, you can graze on lettuce leaves at home. You man wants to see you enjoy some meat and he wants to pay for it! He wants to tell you about his day and what that “Dumb Dave” did at work. He wants to share with you the silly argument that ensued in the locker room or lunch room over some commentary on 
ESPN.
The question is do you want to listen? Or do you have so much on your mind about your day, and what that sneaky Millicent said, or that million dollar deal that is on the table that you know you are about close. More than anything, you are counting the money you are about to spend when the deal does closes and what is your next strategic move.
I am not taking sides, I am just asking the questions that I want you to answer, because if I am thinking it, so is someone else. So I weighed in from a woman’s point of view, give me some feedback with this next question.
Do you think they feel less of a man when dealing with a woman who is able to carry her own load, very successful, and can do things on her own without his help?
Let a man be a man
I am often asked how have you managed to say married for so long? My answer is very simple; I let my husband be who he is.
I have been married for 20 years with one child who is now in college. Over the years we have had our bumps and hiccups and our struggles for power. One day my husband told me, you can be in charge of whatever it is you do in your office, but in this house, you are wife and mother. Yep, go ahead, catch your breath, because I know I did. My first reaction was to get up cross the room, and knock the taste out of his mouth. But I stopped and considered his words.
I took his words to heart and in year 3, I concentrated on being his wife and the mother to my child. When he walks in the door from work, I greet him with a kiss, and now that we are empty nesters, sometimes skimpy lingerie. Dinner is on the table when he walks in the door whether I have cooked it, or ordered out. There are always leftovers in the fridge, a sweet dessert or something yummy to snack on. When he is watching tv, I leave him alone and let him enjoy his show. And you know what….he does the same for me.
The mortgage is paid on time, my car is road ready anytime I need to make a trip, and if I want to shop, he will give me what I need. During dinner we have conversations about life, world events, and about each other. He nurtures my need to change the world and allows me the freedom to do just that while I support him in being my man and taking care of our family.
We often hear the phrase let a man be a man, but often misconstrue it as giving a man free reign to sow his wild oats. Letting a man be a man to me, means making sure he feels wanted and needed. Because in the end, everyone want to be needed, but a man needs to be wanted.
I know some of you will disagree, but if you have not been married longer than I have then save your comments. And just in case you are wondering, I have a masters and PhD that he paid for.
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Olivia Gaines Author 