Life

You Just Got Served!

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It was a long day my friends, so I popped into my friendly neighborhood bar and grille for some libation and something on which to nosh. I came face to face with Joe A. Customer; the standing “A” for abnormally large, pulsing hemorrhoid. I must tell you, as a customer, I know I’m not always right, but what happens when a customer is totally wrong?
    Well, here begins the story of Joe A, who began his evening being inappropriate with his young, busty waitress. Her look of disgust was evident to all who looked on, but did not seem to faze our overly friendly Joe. The waitress, being a smart little cookie, swapped tables with a strapping young man. Joe was not happy and began to migrate into a class” A” duodenum. The wait staff was not happy. The customers were not happy. The waitress scratched her ass, and then fondled his food.
    I saw it. The couple next to us saw it as well. Joe, did not because he was busy flapping his lips because he could no longer flirt with something half his age. She had no interest in your tawdry advances. The waitress had no interest in you. Here’s the irony. The ass you wanted to touch, you ended up eating. I wonder if it tastes like crow? Joe, you just got served your just desserts for being a jerk.
    If you are going to go through life being a grade “A” assmunch, then be smart enough not to anger the people serving you food. I know I should have said something to her about Karma, how life is reciprocal, and what we give out, comes back to us. I saved the words to the waitress because maybe all of those things were now being applied to Joe.     

 Be nice to your wait staff and tip them with cash. If you tip them with your credit card the bar owner takes a piece. But most importantly, act as if your mother taught you some manners.

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Irony and Stupid T-Shirts

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Yesterday, I had the pleasure of taking the annual bus shopping trip to one of those outlet malls. It is always a blast, but I mainly go to hang out with friends, have a decadent lunch, and not have to drive. After so many hours, you take your cache to the bus, seal it in your labeled garbage bag and go back to empty your bank account. However, this time, the bus was not where it was supposed to be. I found the bus but it was blocked in by some self-promoted rapper named Nap-Boy. Our bus driver is upset, our people are upset and I’m thinking, what is the big deal? I sent a tweet to the address on the side of the van, and then I called the number. Here is the beauty of it all, I went back inside the shopping center, took a seat with my Dipping Dots treat, and watched the people pass by. There were a ridiculous number of people wearing T-shirts with stupid sayings on them. Ironically, the rapper that was boxing in our bus, also had a stupid shirt, and he walked right up to me. He, of course, wanted to sell me one of his CD’s. I made a contribution on the condition that he moves his van.

    I know I took the long way around on this one, but here’s the point. Out of thousands of people in the shopping outlet in Charlotte, I was able to find one person. Why, because he was wearing a stupid shirt; luckily his shirt matched his van.

He wasn’t the only adult wearing one of those silly shirts. As I sat there, I saw a beer bellied fella pass by in this gem.
I was really tempted to ask what his daughter looked like, to see if it was actually a concern. His daughter showed up. Sadly, Daddy, you can put the gun away. She will be home with you on prom night. I know it’s mean, but I started to chuckle.

Our next wonderful shirt was worn by a Goth kid with green hair. He was also wearing piercings in is eyebrows, his nose, his lip, his jaw, and those big tribal ear circles in his lobes. I laughed when I saw the shirt. The irony, people probably beat the crap out of him his whole life; especially looking as he did. He probably became a Goth when his parents stopped paying for his self-defense classes.

This t-shirt was worn by a young black man who was sporting this shirt in green. He also had on green shoes, a plaid green outer shirt and some green underpants. I saw the underpants because his pants were well below his butt. The young lady at his side walked along with pride that this gem wearing fashion risk was her man. Question, was she one of the wayward ho’s?

The more I sat there, the more people I saw wearing tees with sometimes inappropriate if not downright offensive imprints.

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After about a half hour, I had to get up and move, because people were starting to wonder why I was laughing. I could not snap photos, but I did find most of the shirts on a website. I became more tickled as my friend joined me and she saw one that made her laugh even harder. It was a T shirt of the Ass Family and each of the family members also had on the same shirt. Who was the Smart Ass who came up with the idea to wear these out in public?

The irony of it all was wasted on the wearers. Individuals who wear these shirts are probably doing so to get noticed or get some attention. The attention you are getting is not for the funny sayings on your shirt, it is because the reader is processing the whole thought. The thought adorning your boobies, beer belly and bird chest is only the beginning.

One lady stopped and asked why we were laughing. I told her honestly, if you only knew what I was just thinking…..

Get a Clue!

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What does it take to make those individuals with no censors listen up? I can admit in the 80’s I had no Gaydar and flirted with a few fellas that were not interested in my type. I have even made some financial decisions of buying a great pair of shoes over eating. However, where is that invisible line that you do not cross that aids you in tuning in and listening up?

Yesterday, I was dressed for success and headed to a very important meeting. I was looking like this with a tailored suit. I was sharp. I was focused. I was about to make a few power moves.

However, my new cash diet requires that I pay for my gas with cash. I get out of the car at the local BP, and I hear a cat call. Who still does that? Then Mr. Oooh Hoo, Oh Baby Baby, had the audacity, the pomposity, the unmitigated gall, to ask me if I was married. I turned around to see what rude man was yelling at me, and this is what I see! Really? Seriously?

One, I was hurt that as good as I looked, that this was all I could get? Damn. I’m devastated.

Second, what was there about me that made this fool think he had a chance?

And last but not least, what clue did you miss that made you feel froggy and want to jump at the chance?

Get a clue!

Men and women, please, if someone is not looking at you, please don’t yell at them to get their attention. If you know for a fact, that you are highly unattractive, stop making a pest of yourself with people of the opposite sex, that you know you are never going to get. It is just sad.

I am confused why the fellas that sell bootleg DVD‘s in the parking lot of Wal-Mart are always quick to try to pick up a date. Although your entrepreneurial spirit is admired, dude, you are selling illegal merchandise in the parking lot of Wal-Mart! You don’t need a date, you need a lawyer! You are a criminal. And secondly, yelling at women with children, “I got that Puss in Boots” is kind of tacky. I saw three women want to slap him.

It’s not just these situations that individuals need to get a clue. I am going to list some other areas that may require individuals to make a few mental adjustments.

  1. If you are living in an apartment and are planning a $10k wedding, maybe that money should be used as a down payment on a house or condo. Why start your life together in debt for cake and a DJ?
  2. If you are making payments on $40k car and are renting the furniture in your rented apartment, get a clue, and use it. You don’t even have a garage to park that car in.
  3. If she slept with you on the first date, then it is highly unlikely that she is going to be faithful in your relationship.
  4. If he has to call his Mama to discuss every problem that you have, then maybe he’s just not that into you.
  5. If her Mama has keys to your place, you may as well move out.
  6. If she is dressed to the nines, with hair and nails always done, then she is probably not managing her money well. This does not apply if she is making bank. If she is yelling welcome to “Arby’s” or “Welcome to Moe‘s,” the initial statement stands.
  7. If his phone goes off all day and night, then I’m sure, his homies aren’t the only one texting him.
  8. If her favorite shows are reality based centering around a great deal of drama, then she probably lives her life the same way; with a great deal of drama.
  9. If he is a sports fanatic, then please expect to lose him on Sunday evenings to the game. You knew this, give him his space or learn about football.

And last but not least, our number ten and last thought that was rattling around in my head,

  1. What you did to get them in your life, is what you have to continue to do, to keep them. If you only pretended to like basketball to get a date with him, then I advise you to invest in a Jersey to wear on game days. If you swore you loved Opera and the ballet, let’s hope you have cleaned your dinner jacket.

We all have moments to dumbness, however, life gives you several annotations throughout the day. I call them clues. Next time one pops into your line of sight, please grab it, and put it to good use.

Did you just unfriend me?

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Today I was just given a shock. I was checking my Facebook page and hubby made the comment that our son had something funny on his wall. I went to check and found that my own child had unfriended me! The nerve!

Here is the beauty of this; he is not able to see my post because he is not my friend. Therefore I can talk about him and he not know.

What does it really mean in Americanspeak when someone unfriends you on a social network? It means that you have been deemed unimportant in their daily lives. It means they do not care to know what you are doing on a daily basis and you are not privy to their information. In other words, you have been ruled as obsolete.

I know, it hurts. It hurts me too. I unfriended by brother-in-law and his insipid wife. I unfriended that guy from high school that I never really spoke to 30 years ago and I don’t really want to know about his daily life. I unfriended that drunk girl from college, who claimed she was allergic to alcohol, but found a way to guzzle it every weekend. I unfriended an Army buddy who found religion. She did not necessarily find God, because she is always judging how someone else is living their lives. I unfriended that former co-worker who I remembered tried to get me fired. Witch!

I blocked Mafia Wars, My Little Pony, I have a Butt Rash, Hearts, Rabbits and other irrelevant applications that drained my phone’s battery. I stopped following and unliking artist who made sucky movies. I stopped liking artist who sold out and added rap music to beautiful R & B ballads. I stopped responding to events that I would never, ever attend, by groups, I don’t want to be associated with anyway.

I took a cue from my son.

I started to update my pages as well and began to remove people that I really didn’t deal with on a regular basis.

I am okay with it.

I just hope some my acquaintances are as well, my sister in law, I don’t really care about.

Unfriending someone is not an insult. I see it as a separation of church and state. I don’t need to see everything that is going on in my son’s life and he does not need to see what I am posting. Not that either of us are saying anything offensive.

I am glad I have a chance to now ask him how was his day, versus sharing his life vicariously through his daily updates. I, now get to talk to him in person. Unfriending me, may just save our relationship.


Get Crafty This Holiday Season

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This holiday season, you save yourself a few dollars by making some Christmas gifts. I know, I know who has the time? That is the wrong question. The right question is who has the money to buy that many gifts? This nice wreath is made out of Coffee filters. The total cost for this project is about $10.

    There are many simple projects that you can do that can either upcycle items already in your home or those items that need to leave your home. However, before we get to upcycling, let’s get back to those talents that you have that you can use to give or make gifts. Get your mind out of the gutter, you may be good at that but you can’t give it to your Nana!

Are you good at making cakes? You can make cake pops delivered in a nice basket from the Dollar Store. Are you good at making brownies, jams, cookies? All of these items make fabulous Holiday gifts. My neighbor makes a tin of cookies for us each year. The whole cul-de-sac knows when she is baking and we sit around like children awaiting our deliveries. I have another neighbor that makes fudge. I am not a fudge eater but am always glad for a gift that someone took the time to craft for me.

There are many projects and creative ideas available to you for free if you know where to look. I receive a free magazine from Lowe’s Home Improvement called Creative Ideas. It was choked full of so many great ideas that it inspired me to write. I am hoping to inspire you to try something different this year to save money and truly live better. This month’s issue takes you through easy steps to make wonderful holiday wreaths, headboards and upcycling home items. Upcycling takes recycling to a whole new level by recovering or repurposing items you already have in your home. Take that hideous chair that your Mom sent over to your new place. You don’t want it, but you can’t hurt her feelings. Give it a coat of paint, and add some studs and viola, you have upcylced items that you were going to throw away. You have reduced your carbon footprint, reduce landfill input and given that piece of furniture a reason to feel useful again.

I think the most exciting thing about the holidays is the decorations. Each year, we look for that special ornament to add to our tree. Have you thought about making ornaments out of every day simple items or really putting the décor into decorating? I went to visit my favorite crafter’s website, Martha Stewart. I have always considered her to be the McGyver of crafting. I saw where you can take mini picture frames and turn them into cute ornaments for the mantle or the tree.

Many of the websites have free newsletters, Blogs and magazines that you can have sent right to your home. It doesn’t matter what your skillset, there is something you can do that someone else admires. You can make a box of custom greeting cards. You can lay out a few pages in a scrapbook for a family member. You can buy a set of stencils and create a personalized box for a night stand. You just have to try.

Here is your starting point. Here are some Thanksgiving place cards along with the template courtesy of Ms. Stewart.

Happy Crafting!


Trick or Treat! Put some clothes on!

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It befuddles me that women choose Halloween to release their inner demons, literally.  I am not certain when the trend started, but nice girls turn into ghoulish vamps, tramps and scamps.  The whole trend is not only creepy, but scary. It is no longer a treat, when your best friend shows up anywhere, let alone your home, looking like a Trick.

It started this morning on my way to work.  I saw my 60 year old neighbor dressed as a naughty nurse.  That is just wrong on so many levels. I too wanted to participate in the Halloween festivities, so I grabbed some red wedges, a red cape, a long black skirt and top with a Puritan ruffle to complete my ensemble.  I grabbed a twig from the back yard as my evil wand.  I add some colorful makeup to my eyes, bushed up my eyebrows, and stopped by Walmart to add a witches cap with a spider veil.  I am not too evil, nor am I uncovered, wearing fishnets, hooker boots, or a skirt that is WAYYYYY too short. it was out of the norm for me, but honestly, the naughty nurse should be reserved for private parties.  I an not a prude, or prudish, I just know there are some things we do not need to see.

I want to believe that somewhere in all of us there is a nice little girl and little boy who want to play with the other kids. However, there has to be a line drawn somewhere.  Some of these ideas are simply just in poor taste.

If you wish to let your freak flag fly, then by all means, do so, but please take this word of caution. If you think for one minute that you our coloring outside of the lines, and no one is expecting you to be so edgy, then you are wrong.  Your friends and co-workers already know that you are freaky. Showing up to anyone’s home, half dressed, looking like a Hallowhore is not really cute. Be the adult here and just find a costume that is appropriate and for Pete’s sake, put some clothes on!

I’ll Buy That for a Dollar!

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Next June will mark my 22nd wedding anniversary. Hubby and I are planning a really cool vacation and I plan to fully enjoy myself without cumbersome worries of how are we going to eat when we get back from this lovely little trip. I have begun to save large chunks which mean there is little room left for play money. I thereby had to put myself on a cash diet. I can only use my credit card or debit card for emergencies. This past week I have truly learned the value of a dollar. I have also learned that there are something’s that I will not buy, not even for a dollar!

As I previously stated in one of my early post, I have begun to coupon. I am now a step below extreme couponing and hovering around extreme value shopping. I have become, what I consider, to be very clever. I am recycling everything from pieces of left over roast, which are transformed into taco night, or in this weather, a hearty stew. The stews are great to also use up the leftover peas and carrots in the fridge. I am even stocking up the pantry and deep freezer. Let me tell you how.

As I was leaving the house to start my bargain shopping, I noticed the planters on the front porch needed fall plants. Normally, by this time, I would have added some Mums, but I wanted to stretch what I have until it is time to put in the Icicle Pansies. I head over to my friendly neighborhood Lowes. Instead of shopping in the front, I head to the rear of the garden center to THAT rack. Yes, the rack of shelves with sad, lonely, and deserted plants. I have found the ones on the ends are the healthiest and easy to revive. I picked up two hanging Tahitian Bridal Veils for $1 each. They need to be repotted so next I head to Roses. Instead of purchasing the name brand bags of potting soil for five bucks, I opt for the local no name bags for $1. Hey, it’s dirt. I am going to add some plant food when I repot them anyway. Now it’s time to get really busy.

I am headed to the buy one get one sale at Food Lion. I have already added the sale coupons to my MVP card buy downloading the digital coupons to my frequent shopper cards. The hard copy of manufacturer coupons in hand, I have a $1 off of two boxes of Cheerios, which just happen to be on sale for buy one get one. Armed with my sale ad in hand, I pick up bags of chicken breast, shrimp, Doritos, and a large 39 oz container of coffee. I save $1 on the coffee, which I purchased for $7.99. I am on a roll. I purchased high end ice cream at buy one get one along with high end butter crackers. Zesta Whole Wheat Crackers at buy one get one box is great deal; grabbed two of those.

I load up the mama mobile and make my way to Kroger. They are having a ten for $10 sale. Here, you have to be very careful. Last week, the same store brand vegetables I got for $.88 per bag are now in the 10 for ten sale; this is not good friends. I did pick and choose which items were a good deal for a buck, but Lipton Rice mixes are a dollar anyway, so this is not really a good buy. Staples purchased, I now have my local independent grocer’s ad, or the local IGA. These stores are great for pantry items. There is a five for $5 sale going on so I stock up on two pounds bags of rice, hot sauce, ketchup can goods and dry beans. I also grab a ten pound bag of chicken leg quarters for $6. I do have a freezer safe bags in the trunk for my cold items. These wonderful bags keep food cold for 3 hours.

My last stop is to the local Bakery outlet. Tuesday and Friday’s at the John Derst bakery outlet has bread on sale for $.79. Wheat bread, cinnamon raisin bread, Kaiser Hamburger buns and hot dog rolls are all for $.79; with no buying limits. I have found that you can freeze bread for up to 3 months and when you defrost, it is good as new.

    My pantry is stocked. My fridge and freezer is full and my bank account is not empty. I have a full tank of gas, my hair is done, and I have a few bucks left in my working account for just in cases. I did all of this today, including my hair, for a mere $160.00. It’s okay, you can say, “ooohhhh!” I know I did.

    I must close out now because my new issue of All You arrived in the mail. The cover says there are $94.55 worth of coupons inside. I have work to do.