Weight loss, Excuses and Why I am so Hungry.

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    Why do we do these things to ourselves? It never fails that when it comes down to our weight, we never really work to keep it under control. We eat things we shouldn’t. We feel guilty for eating it, and then we torture ourselves as we head back for seconds on something else that should avoid our faces. Here’s the rub, not the spicy one you like on your steaks, but it is now time to wear something nice, and it doesn’t fit. So what do you do; a crash diet.

    I went one worse, I went to see an Asian herbalist. Please, if you are drinking something, this is where you may need to put the cup down. I am going to make you cry.

    I walk in and he tells me I remember your face. He mispronounces my name and calls me “Charille.” I am okay, he is Asian. Then he asks me to weigh in. He gives me the tsk…tsk…and asks the hard question, “Charille, why do you think you are fat?” I start my litany of excuses while he is shaking his head. He then, very loudly tells me, “Charille, you are fat because you eat too much.” I balk. My eyebrows shoot up and he is still saying something to my face, because my ears had stopped listening at “you are fat because you eat too much.” He points to his temple, “Charille, you must change the way you think.” He then asks me to say it with him, “Say it Charille, I’m fat because I eat too much.”

    So there I am feeling like a dejected 12 year old talking to an Asian man, who is making me a concoction to make me poop out fat and I said it. “I am fat because I eat too much.” Three days into this weight loss excursion, I am so hungry. I am down five pounds, but I fit into my swimsuits and took out a few pairs of peddle pushers, that in 3 more days are going to fit nicely. I took out that dress, that five months ago, I looked as if I were five months pregnant. This roller coaster ride with my weight; it’s my fault, I know it is. I am here partly because I have been in a dark place for the past two years. I was eating my way through my grief.

    But the other part of doing this to myself, and you do it to yourself, because we are lazy. Now, I cannot eat except in three to six hour blocks. I am home all weekend so I am cleaning and doing little things around that house that I let get out of hand because I was usually watching a movie and eating something else to make my ass spread. My house is clean, the laundry is folded, dinner is prepared and I am so hungry.

    I am hydrated. My colon is being cleansed. I have lost some weight, but I must get back to something very critical to this conversation between us. I am fat because I eat too much. That is a powerful statement. So here I sit, with a very large container of water, nothing to snack on, and a minute with myself. There are no more excuses. I love my body, but would love it even more minus the extra pounds.

I have no more excuses.

I am hungry because I have been eating too much and I have to retrain my body to need fewer calories.

I am empowered to make some changes.

I am fat because I eat too much.

I have downloaded a hypnosis app to aid me on my quest.

I have no more excuses.

I am going on vacation and I will blog my way through my Central American vacation and keep you posted.

You know, I was just thinking that maybe you should step away from the snacks and join me on my quest to a healthier body.

Afraid of Being Alone

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As I was trolling through my Facebook feeds looking for something to make me chuckle, I saw a posting from a friend on being afraid to be alone. The posting was attached to a website on the fear of being alone. The questions posed was, are people staying in bad relationships out of fear of being alone? The article went on to say that people stay in bad relationships out of fear or obligation.

I am afraid I may need some help with this one. I did not understand this concept. I understand the concept of guilt. I understand the concept of obligation, but I cannot see staying in a relationship because of either.

Understandably, as a young adult there were unwise choices made for material or social status, but never out of fear of being alone. I have made some of my best decisions and biggest strides in life during times I was alone. This occurred because I simply did not have another to answer to and I could stay up late, spend countless hours on research and focus on making my dreams come true.

Now, this is where I become confused. True, the times in my life that I have been single have been of my choosing, but I was never one to feel as if I was no one if not with someone. How can a person justify loving another person if they cannot justify loving themselves enough to breathe? Breathing is what is required to have your own air space. I like my own airspace.

Moreover, I like who I am when I am alone. I also like who I am when I with someone who loves me, but these are not two separate people. My journey of discovery does not end with a bad relationship. Leaving a bad relationship should be the start of self-discovery of where you want to start to be better. Being alone is a time of fruition, a time of growth and time to understand what makes you tick. If we know these things about ourselves, then this is the person who is ripe to be shared with another soul.

The individual, who chooses to compromise their principles to be accepted, is a lost soul. You are not staying because of obligation; you are in fact staying because of lack of direction. This person that you have attached yourself to is now the person who gives you meaning because you have failed to find meaning in yourself. Does this also mean that the fear you are experiencing lives and breathes because you are afraid to go solo?

Unhook the oxygen tank; the air in the room is just fine. I can breath easy knowing that sometimes, the best conversations you can have, are the one you have with yourself.  In time when I have been alone,  I learned a new craft, new software or sharpened a skill set. I may not be the sharpest tool in the box, but I am an instrument that can stand alone.