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16 JuLY 2011
I wear many shirts, hats, and titles. I willingly admit to be being an avid blogger, an author, a foodie, a mother, a smart aleck, and many other titles. I wear the titles with pride an often will change hats to make sure I am properly attired to address each role. I don’t really have to change clothing to be wear my newest title, just change my shirt. My newest favorite comfy shirt carries a ridiculous light blue T and gets me all a flutter. I am talking about the subtle art of Tweeting.
As a Tweeter, I can be all of those things listed above and only wear one hat, one shirt, and the proud handle of @Assistingu. The main drawback is that I can only say what I must in 170 characters or less. Think about it, how succinct must you be to make your point? Here’s the beauty, I can express my own opinion or just copy or retweet what someone else has stated.
As a Tweeter, there are of course rules. There is an imaginary line. You can agree, you can disagree, or you can follow a trending topic that is usually in red letters marked with a #hashtag. The responses are completed in real time. I know, it’s a lot isn’t it? Actually no it is not. Let’s say for instance you are interested in saving money and deals and steals. Search using the word deals or the word coupon. A list will appear of the most active Tweeters on these subjects. You can follow these groups or individuals for on the spot information in your city, town or across the country. There are all sorts of Tweeters who offer ways to #savemoney. You just have to follow and see who is giving you something relevant and who is just mouthing off.
I like to mouth off on the go. I have attached my Foursquare account to my Twitter account so when I check in, or check out, I can leave comments about great service, good food, or hot tips on local events or businesses. Recently, while I was in Puerto Rico exploring Old San Juan, I was checking in, finding deals and Tweeting as I walked. I received 4 invitations to visit restaurants and businesses.
My newest mission is to acquire 20, 000 followers by the Holidays. I am only off by 15, 500. Shut up, we all need a personal goal, this one just happens to be mine. I invite you to join the revolution. Join the Twitter nation. Join me on my quest. Line up, link up and send me a message when you have made the connection; just make sure it is 170 characters or less.
Often when we think of vacations, we think of sun, fun and being tired when we return. I find it humorous that so many people rush through the week, over pack the weekend with activities and come Sunday, are just as tired as when they left the office on Friday. These worries and tiredness leads to the ever so familiar mantra of “I need a vacation!” Fine, you need a vacation, but what are you doing on your vacation or has the word vacation becomes just another synonym for off days?
For our tenth anniversary, my husband and I headed to Key West or the Florida Keys for a vacation, both were geriatrically exciting so I often get them confused. We were bored out of our minds. This was no way to spend our off days. Outside of getting drunk, fishing, and the glass bottom boat tour, what was there to do? There were people laid about on chaise lounges reading books while sipping what I would equate to a Mint Julep. We stayed one night, packed the car and drove back to Miami. Even on the outskirts of the city, you could feel the pulse of the hot blooded Latina welcoming you back into her lair.
The same can be said for Las Vegas. Our next set of off days, we headed to hot bed of demoralization, and spent some time in Sin City. We left the strip, took the city bus downtown to the Freemont experience and watched some people find different ways to make money on their off days. When you think of Vegas, you don’t think of vacation, you think getaway. You don’t think oooh, while we are there Honey, how about a quick trip over to the Hoover Dam? The Hoover Dam is something you explore on your off-day; Vegas ,is a get away to see a show, party, and drink a lot. Yeah, get away from it all, starting with cheap liquor as a constant companion.
As I have aged, I have learned the difference between off days, a weekend getaway and a vacation. Allow me to clarify. On my off days, I can head up to the lake and spend some time with a good book, some friends, fish and nap. When experiencing a getaway, I think of a nice bed and breakfast off the beaten path for a few days doing something that could fall into my hobby and special interest category. A quilting retreat or a weekend writing conference, which helps me, well get away from it all for a day or two. However, when it comes to vacation, this is an altogether different animal.
A vacation, from my perspective, is me a soil that I have not touched. I am eating foods that I would not normally eat. Partake in adventures, and treasure hunts, snorkel, and in between take naps, and blog about the journey. This is a weeklong venture that requires 3 days of doing something that I KNOW I am too old to still try, because if it goes wrong, my old bones won’t heal like they should. It is three nights of overly priced dinners in four and five-star restaurants eating dishes that I can barely spell. It is drinking Wines that only come by the bottle and not by the glass, sleeping late, venturing to museums, shops, and searching for the perfect shot glass to go in my collection.
When I return home, I am not tired. I am not twisted into knots. I am relaxed. I am rejuvenated. I have enlightened my spirit, my mind and my soul. I did not have a few off days. I did not partake in a weekend getaway. I went on vacation.
Upon my return, I shall spend the next week, uploading photos from my adventure, as well as beginning plans for the next year. I will scrimp and save as much as humanly possible so that when I arrive at my new destination next year, I don’t have to watch every dime; because I am on vacation.
Now tell me how you spend your vacation?
I am often amazed at the things we take for granted. I am also sometimes appalled at the things in which one can assume. Today I share with you my thoughts of being bilingual.
In my customer service class I worked with the students on resumes. The logic behind the process; each person should have three versions of a résumé. Version one is the ideal job you would like to obtain. Version two is the job you are currently performing along with the accompanying skill sets. Version three is the low end version that downplays what you are capable to get you in the door of your ideal company in version one. Bonus points are rewarded for those who are bilingual. Stay with me, we are headed full circle.
One of my Spanish speaking students thought I was full of malarkey and posted all three versions to Monster.com under 3 separate email accounts. Her phone will not stop ringing. One company called on all three resumes and offered a relocation package. Her value she is bilingual. Yes, I have a point.
As American companies value her ability, Spanish speaking cultures also value those who speak English. The better jobs for workers who have yet to have a trade are in tourism areas. The better waitress and waiter jobs are in areas where you can explain to Nana she shouldn’t order that spicy dish. I found this out day one at Fuddruckers when the order taker could not understand my name and my order was listed under Yer. The loudspeaker needed work, but the dining assistant figured the order was mine since I was the only person not responded to the loudspeakers call of “Peek up urder por Yer.”
Equally hilarious were my attempts to order breakfast at Burger Bing which elicited a look of sympathy as he answered me in English. The hotel tour concierge thought it was “cute” that I was learning “some Spanish.” And last but not least, I found out at the Ponderosa, which was “outside” the tourist strip, that native Spanish speakers didn’t even attempt to converse with me in either language. She started pointing at the pictures on the menu board, holding up one finger or two. Well pardon my French!
My husband only laughed as he too told me my year of high school Spanish wasn’t really working well. I did not know how to convey that I actually had two years in high school and four in college, but languages, like any muscle requires exercise. I, know the language as well as three others including southern Ebonics, but alas I think in English. Being bilingual is an art, make sure you learn to appreciate those who are able to efficiently perform this honed skill and assist those who are trying, because bilingual does work both ways.
Friday night, as I watched the sideways perspectives of Bill Maher, I actually listened to what he said. There was one line in particular that resonated with me. He stated that if Hillary Clinton made the same statement about Paul Revere as did Sarah Palin, the media and pundits would eat her alive. His reasoning, Sarah Palin gets away with more because she is pretty. It made me think and of course asks the question of myself that I will also pose to you; do attractive people get away with more?
In an ideal world I want to believe that those of us who actually use our heads are on equal footing, but then I changed the channel and there was Kim Khardashian. Her claim to fame is a big butt and a poorly filmed sex taped where the world was exposed to her cooter. I will not lie, she is beautiful, but is there anything else? As an amateur porn star, honestly, couldn’t You do better after a couple shots of Cuervo? She is essentially famous, for being famous and hanging with some equally untalented friends who also happen to be good looking with a great publicist. And to be honest, I have a big butt. I know 17 other women who have a big butt and are pretty and smart. If you know a good publicist, please send them my way, I would like to get an endorsement deal as well. A few cosmetic tweaks, carefully constructed makeup and hair weave, I too can be really pretty.
Then I thought of Jessica Simpson. I thought of her Pizza Hut buffalo wings commercial and Starkist tuna deals. Is she a genius or is she really that simple? Does it matter, she is pretty? Do we prefer to have women remain quiet or be outspoken with knowledge. I’m not certain so I must wait for you to weigh in.
I did ask my friend, who used Michelle Obama as an example. She stated that she is a Harvard graduate and a lawyer, yet her only stand has been on children, fitness and healthy eating. She did not make the Hillary Clinton mistake of creating a platform of politics, but instead opted for the well being of our children; inquisitive one that I am thought for a moment with a look of confusion on my face which prompted an answer. Her response was simply, you can be loud. You can be wrong. You can be loud and wrong, but never, ever should you be loud and right. Loud and right brings out the ugly in many and pretty is becomes as pretty does.
Let it marinate and get back to me.
In an instant messaging status updating world, our days are filled with the overflow of information on our personal lives. Depending on the number of friends and followers, one can be constantly bombarded with information of other’s existence. Those social vampires that you have avoided personal contact with are now filtered through your phone and they still find a way to suck the life out of you with their problems. We certainly have the ability on Facebook to “hide” their ramblings, but how do you adjust the streaming feed in real life? Or has it progressed to a level of a constant need for attention that has removed our ability to know when we are sharing too much information? As the Queen of Tweetdeck updates, allow me to explain.
As I was undergoing another round of nap therapy, the thick accented patient next to me was asking the therapist a question that she could not decipher. He looked to me for help so I translated his words. This opened the door for Therapy Lady to unload her sadness unto my mat. First she explained that husband number two was also Puerto Rican and she should have understood his thick accent. My eyebrows arched in disbelief, one, because the gentleman next to me was German, and two, who asked her. Evidently misreading my arched brows as “tell me more,” she then proceeded to inform me that her first husband, a high school sweetheart, was Bipolar, and when he hit child number two with a backhand, she knew she had to leave him.
Arched eyebrows now furrowed, inspired her to continue this tale and let me know that husband number two was in jail. I tilted my head looking for the hidden camera while waiting for someone to jump out and tell me that I was being “Punked.” Ashton did not answer my prayer because Therapy Lady continued this depressing diatribe by informing me that husband number two molested her 13-year-old. Eyebrows are again arched. She then says, “yeah, and he was quickly escalating towards something more serious.” Furrowed brows again, this time with my hands up, inspired her to add “yeah, I’m single now, and don’t want to be alone, but I can’t trust anyone else….”
Was that a tear I saw trickle down her cheek? I am now frowning, more serious than three years of him diddling your daughter, who thought there was nothing wrong with step daddy’s behavior because you didn’t think it was necessary to explain good touching and bad touching? Was it more serious than you using your daughter’s molestation as a sympathy pump and now it is all about you because it wasn’t your fault? More serious than me wanting to take the ice bag off my knee and knock some sense into your empty head? How could it possibly be more serious than the contempt I feel for you right now?
Our heavy accented friend read my face correctly for he cleared his throat, which now drew the attention of Ms. Munchausen By-Proxy –Therapy-Lady and reminded her that she was actually at work. My lips, now pursed, and sister girl is evolving in my eyes, which are slowly widening as I raise myself to a sitting position. She must have taken the visual cues for what they actually were this time because she took the hell off.
Don’t ask, because I don’t know what I was going to say or going to do, I just knew I had experienced enough “oversharing” for an afternoon. But here is the sad part, I did not report her. We are in a recession and she is a single mom. However, if she should choose to be so dumb and share with me once more, I will offer her this advice. Your friends are there to share your burdens in life, not complete strangers. Your friends will also get tired of listening to you go on about poor me. Take your misery off of your Facebook status and stop taking the phone into the bathroom with you; the person on the other line does not want to hear you pee and I don’t want to pee and hear you. I am not investing in Botox so stop trying to read my expressions as I care and you should unburden yourself on me. Last but not least, shut the bleep up! Be miserable by yourself and stop subjecting those around you to your pity party. If this isn’t enough information, then I will plainly state that some stuff, you should keep between you, your God and a good psychologist.
The other day while watching DIY or HGTV, I witnessed something beautiful. I saw a married couple working on a home improvement project and they were laughing, smiling and feeling proud of their accomplishments. I found myself smiling and feeling euphoric as well which lead to my latest disaster, and next big question, should marriage vows be changed to include home improvement projects? Does death do us part include the completion of a home improvement tasks?
Our son has hit that age where he still is a resident, but does not officially reside in the house. It was time to redo the room of a teenager and make it the residence of a man. A fresh coat of paint was needed as well as new crown moldings, dual functioning furniture, and an extra bedroom in case of guests when he was away. It started nicely enough, but by the end of day one, I had evolved from Suzie Helpmate to Seaman Foulmouth. Day two ended with me as a full rear admiral and swabbing the poopdeck. I can vaguely remember a sentence that started with an F word and ended with you, the horse you rode in on, his stable master, the groom and your cockeyed brother! Allow me to explain.
My husband is a real man. If it breaks, he can fix it. He can buy it, install it, rewire it, remove it, grout it, caulk it, seal it, and make it dance should it require such. However, no matter how big, or small the project, he has to tear up every room in the house. It is utter chaos, which leaves you swearing to all that is unholy just to find a pair of panties and a matching sock. This project was no different, but to paint the room it had to be emptied.
Emptying this room meant he had to store the items somewhere else which usually meant sticking them all in my space. Never fear, we just need to run to Lowe’s to pick up an item or two. We did go to Lowe’s. We went to all three Lowes. By now the only thing I felt Lowe’s and I could build together was a hostile relationship.
We went to both Home Depots and the angry woman in me wanted to know, when did they become some F*****ing helpful? We went to three furniture stores, and when I began to become snappy and crabbish, we went to lunch. Discussing paint colors and finishes of door knobs and handles evidently appeared to be fascinating to our waitress who decided to add her two cents. I think that will be the last time she ever does that again! My questioning of the origin of my friendship with her sans the eyeball rolling and neck gesturing, still had the same affect especially when my sentence ended with “we aren’t friends, I don’t know you, get out of our conversation and bring me another Diet Coke!” Hubby stopped talking to me for the rest of the day.
Meanwhile, back on the home front and the beginning of day two, my paint trimming was not up to hubby’s standards and he decided to give the trim a fresh coat of paint that morning. The carpet installers commented on the paint still being wet. Over the rim of my cup of coffee, I provided a quick retort of something close to “Lay the F***ing carpet, I have another can of paint,” which came out in a militant soul sister sneer that did include eyeball rolling and a neck gesture. Hubby went outside to work on his truck, the carpet guys went out there with him and the cat hid under the table.
So what did I learn? I learned my son has hoarding tendencies as evident by the two bags of rocks, his favorite cowboy boots when he was three and the 14 gym bags. I learned that I am a control freak that likes to move in an orderly fashion and chaos blocks my mental chi. After going through bag number three of my son’s belongings, each sentence was ending with “WTF is that?” clued me in on the idea of having son boy finish the task I assigned him. But, what I learned most importantly is that my husband not only loves me, but he also likes me. We have completed in the past three weeks, four home improvement projects to include installation of new carpet and appliances, and he still wants to talk to me. He may want to wash my mouth out with soap, but we will not have to alter our marriage vows to include til death do us part this home improvement project.
Please consider the environment – do you really need to print this email?
I don’t know what your destiny will be, but one thing I do know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and found how to serve.—Albert Schweitzer: