This past week has been an exercise in patience. I have found that evidently, I am not very virtuous because I had very little. I am amazed at the rationale behind some decisions that are made based on logic that is in essence, irrational. It is like watching an episode of Hoarding: Buried Alive and failing to understand why Sue is breaking down over a bottle cap. We can’t understand the thought process because if logic were to prevail, someone would tell the individual, your behavior is nuckin’ futty.
Let’s examine the first instance.
I sat in a faculty meeting with an overactive, underachieving colleague. I knew she was going to make an issue in the meeting of how smart she was, how much she was teaching, and how much smarter she was than all of us. She brought up two class exercises she used in which three of us had no clue what she was talking about. I teach English. I am a writer. I have written four books and I don’t know that. I don’t know it because I don’t care. It has no impact on my day to day life and in essence no one gives a flying monkey! If your colleagues are telling you they would not take your class, then aren’t you missing something here? It’s called a point. It was amazing to sit and listen to her pontificate about what she was doing, when, in reality, if your colleagues don’t give a rat’s ass, and then do you think the students will? It is just nuckin’ futty to attempt to teach students everything you know. Teach them what they need to know, and then focus on one or two skills sets for the 11 week period. What makes this even more insane is that she was told that adult learners brains are not as malleable at a12 year. Of course your middle school students will get it, their brains are still developing. A 35 year old woman, forgive the bad English, “don’t want to be hearing about nothing she can’t put to use in her everyday life.” Why are you making people feel stupid for not getting it? Maybe she will get it when they escort her ass out the door.
I sigh in exasperation.
Let’s move on to the second case. I often, out of sheer curiosity, surf over to http://Blackmediascoop.com because truth is so much more nuckin’ futty than fiction. There is a lady that is in danger of dying because she refuses to cut her toenails. Again, I shall repeat, she refuses to cut her toenails which are preventing her from exercising as required to maintain healthy blood glucose levels. Here’s the irony, if you don’t get the exercise, as a diabetic, they will probably have to amputate your feet. There goes your damn toenails. Don’t believe me? Well check out the video. If you can’t see the video I have included some photos.
Yeah, my thoughts exactly; this is just nuckin’ futty.
Life is too short to be irrational.
- Meet the Woman Addicted to Her Toenails [Video] (jezebel.com)
- Nuckin Futs (languagelog.ldc.upenn.edu)
It was a long day my friends, so I popped into my friendly neighborhood bar and grille for some libation and something on which to nosh. I came face to face with Joe A. Customer; the standing “A” for abnormally large, pulsing hemorrhoid. I must tell you, as a customer, I know I’m not always right, but what happens when a customer is totally wrong?
Well, here begins the story of Joe A, who began his evening being inappropriate with his young, busty waitress. Her look of disgust was evident to all who looked on, but did not seem to faze our overly friendly Joe. The waitress, being a smart little cookie, swapped tables with a strapping young man. Joe was not happy and began to migrate into a class” A” duodenum. The wait staff was not happy. The customers were not happy. The waitress scratched her ass, and then fondled his food.
I saw it. The couple next to us saw it as well. Joe, did not because he was busy flapping his lips because he could no longer flirt with something half his age. She had no interest in your tawdry advances. The waitress had no interest in you. Here’s the irony. The ass you wanted to touch, you ended up eating. I wonder if it tastes like crow? Joe, you just got served your just desserts for being a jerk.
If you are going to go through life being a grade “A” assmunch, then be smart enough not to anger the people serving you food. I know I should have said something to her about Karma, how life is reciprocal, and what we give out, comes back to us. I saved the words to the waitress because maybe all of those things were now being applied to Joe.
Be nice to your wait staff and tip them with cash. If you tip them with your credit card the bar owner takes a piece. But most importantly, act as if your mother taught you some manners.
Yesterday, I had the pleasure of taking the annual bus shopping trip to one of those outlet malls. It is always a blast, but I mainly go to hang out with friends, have a decadent lunch, and not have to drive. After so many hours, you take your cache to the bus, seal it in your labeled garbage bag and go back to empty your bank account. However, this time, the bus was not where it was supposed to be. I found the bus but it was blocked in by some self-promoted rapper named Nap-Boy. Our bus driver is upset, our people are upset and I’m thinking, what is the big deal? I sent a tweet to the address on the side of the van, and then I called the number. Here is the beauty of it all, I went back inside the shopping center, took a seat with my Dipping Dots treat, and watched the people pass by. There were a ridiculous number of people wearing T-shirts with stupid sayings on them. Ironically, the rapper that was boxing in our bus, also had a stupid shirt, and he walked right up to me. He, of course, wanted to sell me one of his CD’s. I made a contribution on the condition that he moves his van.
I know I took the long way around on this one, but here’s the point. Out of thousands of people in the shopping outlet in Charlotte, I was able to find one person. Why, because he was wearing a stupid shirt; luckily his shirt matched his van.
He wasn’t the only adult wearing one of those silly shirts. As I sat there, I saw a beer bellied fella pass by in this gem.
I was really tempted to ask what his daughter looked like, to see if it was actually a concern. His daughter showed up. Sadly, Daddy, you can put the gun away. She will be home with you on prom night. I know it’s mean, but I started to chuckle.
Our next wonderful shirt was worn by a Goth kid with green hair. He was also wearing piercings in is eyebrows, his nose, his lip, his jaw, and those big tribal ear circles in his lobes. I laughed when I saw the shirt. The irony, people probably beat the crap out of him his whole life; especially looking as he did. He probably became a Goth when his parents stopped paying for his self-defense classes.
This t-shirt was worn by a young black man who was sporting this shirt in green. He also had on green shoes, a plaid green outer shirt and some green underpants. I saw the underpants because his pants were well below his butt. The young lady at his side walked along with pride that this gem wearing fashion risk was her man. Question, was she one of the wayward ho’s?
The more I sat there, the more people I saw wearing tees with sometimes inappropriate if not downright offensive imprints.
After about a half hour, I had to get up and move, because people were starting to wonder why I was laughing. I could not snap photos, but I did find most of the shirts on a website. I became more tickled as my friend joined me and she saw one that made her laugh even harder. It was a T shirt of the Ass Family and each of the family members also had on the same shirt. Who was the Smart Ass who came up with the idea to wear these out in public?
The irony of it all was wasted on the wearers. Individuals who wear these shirts are probably doing so to get noticed or get some attention. The attention you are getting is not for the funny sayings on your shirt, it is because the reader is processing the whole thought. The thought adorning your boobies, beer belly and bird chest is only the beginning.
One lady stopped and asked why we were laughing. I told her honestly, if you only knew what I was just thinking…..
What does it take to make those individuals with no censors listen up? I can admit in the 80’s I had no Gaydar and flirted with a few fellas that were not interested in my type. I have even made some financial decisions of buying a great pair of shoes over eating. However, where is that invisible line that you do not cross that aids you in tuning in and listening up?
Yesterday, I was dressed for success and headed to a very important meeting. I was looking like this with a tailored suit. I was sharp. I was focused. I was about to make a few power moves.
However, my new cash diet requires that I pay for my gas with cash. I get out of the car at the local BP, and I hear a cat call. Who still does that? Then Mr. Oooh Hoo, Oh Baby Baby, had the audacity, the pomposity, the unmitigated gall, to ask me if I was married. I turned around to see what rude man was yelling at me, and this is what I see! Really? Seriously?
One, I was hurt that as good as I looked, that this was all I could get? Damn. I’m devastated.
Second, what was there about me that made this fool think he had a chance?
And last but not least, what clue did you miss that made you feel froggy and want to jump at the chance?
Get a clue!
Men and women, please, if someone is not looking at you, please don’t yell at them to get their attention. If you know for a fact, that you are highly unattractive, stop making a pest of yourself with people of the opposite sex, that you know you are never going to get. It is just sad.
I am confused why the fellas that sell bootleg DVD‘s in the parking lot of Wal-Mart are always quick to try to pick up a date. Although your entrepreneurial spirit is admired, dude, you are selling illegal merchandise in the parking lot of Wal-Mart! You don’t need a date, you need a lawyer! You are a criminal. And secondly, yelling at women with children, “I got that Puss in Boots” is kind of tacky. I saw three women want to slap him.
It’s not just these situations that individuals need to get a clue. I am going to list some other areas that may require individuals to make a few mental adjustments.
- If you are living in an apartment and are planning a $10k wedding, maybe that money should be used as a down payment on a house or condo. Why start your life together in debt for cake and a DJ?
- If you are making payments on $40k car and are renting the furniture in your rented apartment, get a clue, and use it. You don’t even have a garage to park that car in.
- If she slept with you on the first date, then it is highly unlikely that she is going to be faithful in your relationship.
- If he has to call his Mama to discuss every problem that you have, then maybe he’s just not that into you.
- If her Mama has keys to your place, you may as well move out.
- If she is dressed to the nines, with hair and nails always done, then she is probably not managing her money well. This does not apply if she is making bank. If she is yelling welcome to “Arby’s” or “Welcome to Moe‘s,” the initial statement stands.
- If his phone goes off all day and night, then I’m sure, his homies aren’t the only one texting him.
- If her favorite shows are reality based centering around a great deal of drama, then she probably lives her life the same way; with a great deal of drama.
- If he is a sports fanatic, then please expect to lose him on Sunday evenings to the game. You knew this, give him his space or learn about football.
And last but not least, our number ten and last thought that was rattling around in my head,
- What you did to get them in your life, is what you have to continue to do, to keep them. If you only pretended to like basketball to get a date with him, then I advise you to invest in a Jersey to wear on game days. If you swore you loved Opera and the ballet, let’s hope you have cleaned your dinner jacket.
We all have moments to dumbness, however, life gives you several annotations throughout the day. I call them clues. Next time one pops into your line of sight, please grab it, and put it to good use.