Girl Talk

My New Online Series.

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36fdef71a0e318fb8c7cdcfaf3745bceHey there.  I wanted to share something new with you that I am doing on Twitter and my FB pages.  It started as a joke, and I am being very careful not to use the artists names, but I am using those pics, to tell a story about me and my muses. It started off as a joke about me at this super sexy model, that would greet me each morning to make sure I was writing.

The Story is called Me and D Man.

You can follow along on Facebook at the hashtag #oliviaanddman

Or you can follow on Twitter with funny images and responses with the same hashtag of #oliviaanddman.

Each morning is a new entry.

But I had to add a twist.

I needed some conflict.

Some sexy ass conflict.

 He is the ex who doesn’t want to be the ex.

He also knows a secret, that he is using as triumph card.

I am having a lot of fun with this.

Follow along for the fun.

https://twitter.com/OliviaGaines

 

 

 

Wait…Who Writes This Sh*t?

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Just when I thought it was all over and I had finally stopped laughing at being ravished by a t-rex who was a billionaire with a boner, I run across this literary gem. It is so bad, I only need to post the pic of the book cover.51+gbQs38sL._SX299_BO1,204,203,200_ Yes, you read it correctly. 

Kidnapped By Somali Pirates: White Wife Black Sex Interracial Cuckold Hotwife Fertile Pregnancy Taboo Romance. All of that is in the title on Amazon as well.  Ms. Bush, the author, would like you to pay $2.99 for this story.

I copied this synopsis for you about Sydney, a married woman who is captured by Somali Pirates and she has to go along with submitting to the men in order to live.

“In the process, she receives the most amazing pleasure that she didn’t realize was even possible. But she uses condoms with her husband for birth control and now she’s being taken bare by a powerful, sexy black man with huge equipment. Will she get pregnant? Would Jayden be supportive of his wife and raise the black baby as his own?”

I don’t know, Jayden. He had huge equipment.  After that, man it may be like giving a whale a Tic-Tac.

  Is this also a new thing?

I tell you, by the time I looked a couple of these, I could not stop myself from falling over. I am not judging.  Somewhere out there, there is a reader for this because she keeps fricking writing more. Evidently, she went black at the Christmas Party and on vacation.  Please make it stop.

41hf5qcv81L._SX298_BO1,204,203,200_ 51iqkhrkrkL._SX299_BO1,204,203,200_ 51mp196-XDL._SX314_BO1,204,203,200_ 51pvtUnh3RL._SX311_BO1,204,203,200_ 51qRqem5J+L._SX299_BO1,204,203,200_ 51uRy6bYo-L._SX298_BO1,204,203,200_ 5164I5-LNuL._SX300_BO1,204,203,200_

It’s Time to Turn the Page

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Turning the Page (2)

Turning the Page

At first, Ethan thought it was someone playing a joke on him. He almost hung up the phone when the nasally caricatured voice came across the line telling him, “Please hold the line for a call from Mayor Galley.”

Why would the Mayor be calling me? The Mayor’s booming baritone came across the line with his deep Southern drawl.

“Ethan, my boy, something of grave importunacy has come across my desk. I do not like it, nor do I desire for it to come to fruition,” Mayor Galley told him.

The one-sided conversation continued for several more minutes before Mayor Galley asked, “Do you understand what I am saying, Son?”

No, I don’t.

“Good. I will see you in my office at 11 am sharp! I have meetings all day so do not be late,” he told him.

Ethan hung up the phone. As he stood behind the counter, a perplexed look covered his face. His mother, a quiet woman born to be church first lady, watched him closely.

“Is there something wrong, Ethan?” Hester Strom wanted to know.

“I was summoned to the Mayor’s office today for a meeting at 11,” he told his mother.

Hester checked her watch. “You only have a half hour. Since you don’t have time to call anyone in to cover the shop, I will stay and handle things for you,” Hester said.

“Thanks, Mom, that means a lot,” he told her. The great thing was, his Mom came to the bookstore every Wednesday for a cup of Palheta’s Bouquet. One day, Ethan was slow getting the dark brew started, and his mother learned how to operate the coffee machine. Since she was in the shop each Wednesday anyway, Ethan trained her to man the register, stock shelves, receive inventory, and update the POS system. Leaving his mother in charge of the shop was an easy thing to do. Getting through the next few hours he found to be more than taxing on his patience, his nerves, and his eyeballs.

Janie didn’t really know what to make of Mayor Galley’s request to come to his office. She was told to be there at 11 am sharp. Dressed and ready to head out the door, she stopped briefly to update her brother. Jem was out of school and able to man the store for her in the morning, and Meg would be in at noon to start her shift.

Not quite certain what to wear, as well as having no fashion sense whatsoever, Janie donned her favorite pink tee shirt and a loose fitting pair of gym pants and headed to her meeting. Once she arrived, she immediately understood her favorite tee was probably not the best choice of clothing. This became evident when a black man standing in front of the Mayor’s office began to gawk at her chest. It wasn’t as if Janie was a triple D-cup, but she had enough to fill up an average sized male’s mouth. Her mother always told her that more than a mouthful was simply too much.

Still, the way he stared at her breasts was rude and uncalled for; she would not take his forwardness without a challenge. “Hey, bub!” she called to him. “My eyes are up here.”

Ethan was appalled. He had been caught staring at her shirt. Not only was the shirt a neon hot pink, which is what first caught his attention, but what kept him focused on it was the image. He asked, “I’m sorry. Is that a weight lifter on your shirt?”

Janie’s hands were on her hips in defiance, “Yes, it is!”

He could not stop himself from frowning when he said, “The position and pose of the weightlifter implies that he is performing a dead overhead lift of your…”

“Again, my eyes are up here, Bub,” she said.

Ethan could not let it go. He had never seen anything so blatantly sexist and sexy all in one neon hot pink package. The courage she had to wear it in public was one thing, but to wear to a meeting with the Mayor was another. She strolled past him into Mayor Galley’s office, as pretty as she pleased, shaking the Mayor’s hand and taking a seat.

Evidently, Ethan was the only person in the room who had not officially met the one and only Janie Cimoc. Neither the Mayor, the Deputy Mayor, nor the Mayor’s assistant paid any attention to the tee. Ethan’s eyes kept wandering back to it. There was even a weightlifting bar that sat perfectly under the two mounds, which held two black half circles that made it look as if her boobies were being cradled in the cups. The look on the weightlifter’s face implied he was straining to hold up the two masses.

“I’m glad you are both here. I think once we finish this meeting we are going to have a great plan to save both of your businesses and the sanctity of our town,” Mayor Galley Said. The rest of his team agreed with him.

Janie and Ethan spoke at the same time, “Our businesses are in trouble?”

The Mayor stood up and walked around his desk. He wore a long jacket that favored a tuxedo coat with tails. This jacket was complimentary to a pair of pin striped pants. To Ethan, the man looked like Mayor McCheese, bulbous nose included.

“The infidels are at the gate, and they are trying to destroy our way of life,” the Mayor told them both. Through a series of rants filled with pontifications and lopsided allegories, the meeting boiled down to a big box bookstore coming to Venture.

“Ethan, my wife looks forward to book club at your store. I also send my assistant over every Thursday for a large cup of that Guatemala Huehuetenango. That is some mighty fine coffee there, my boy,” the Mayor told him.

He turned his attention to Janie. “My kids have grown up in the Comic Book and your store is a staple in this town as well.”

So that is who she is. Janie Cimoc. In the flesh.

Ethan spoke up, “Sir, I am not certain what this meeting is about. Can you please clarify why we are here?”

The Mayor looked at Ethan as if he had just burped up a bologna mouth fart. “That big box store is going to run you both out of business. You will be out of business in less than a year unless we can get ahead of those bastards!”

Janie spoke, “Sir, I am certain there is enough business for all three of us to survive.”

“That is where you are wrong, Janie girl,” Mayor Galley told her. He went on to explain that corporate stores like those bring in their own management teams. “Locals are only hired part time at best. The book prices are too high and what they give back to the community is minimal.”

His eyes were filled with fire when he spoke to them, “You two understand this town because you live here; you grew up here. Our way of life is about uplifting and supporting each other.”

“What are you proposing, Mayor Galley?” Ethan asked.

Mayor Galley rubbed his rounded belly, “The city has two buildings, one on your side of town, Janie, and the other on your side, Ethan. The taxes are past due by three years, and now the properties belong to the City of Venture. I will let you have either building. You can pay up a year on the back taxes and set up a payment plan on the rest if you can’t pay the taxes out right.”

Janie was looking at Ethan and Ethan at her. She asked the same question of the Mayor that Ethan had, “What are you proposing, Mayor Galley?”

The Mayor seemed frustrated with them both. A large gust of coffee tinged breath came out of his mouth as he exhaled in exasperation. “In order for you two to be around after those corporate bastards come to town, you are going to have to combine forces!”

Ethan was staring at Janie’s shirt. “She and I combine our businesses?”

“Son, until now, I had never thought you to be daft. I am starting to wonder,” Mayor Galley said with a frown on his face.

“Your Honor,” Ethan said as he rose, “I am not daft, nor short-sighted, but if I am given a choice on whether or not to combine my business with a random stranger, I would rather not!”

The mayor slammed his hand on the desk. “Fine! You will be out of business in less than a year. You too, Janie girl!”

He breathed deeply before waddling his way behind his desk. “I am trying to do what is best for the two of you as well as the citizens of Venture. You two are young, and if you put your heads together, I am certain you can work out a fair deal and create the best of both worlds.”

Mayor Galley opened his desk drawer and pulled out two sets of keys. “Here are the addresses and keys to both of the buildings. I need you two to make this work,” he told them as he checked his watch.

Janie knew that meant their time was up. “Thank you, Mr. Mayor,” she said as she led the way out to the office.

In the hallway, she faced Ethan. My new business partner. He’s kind of cute. Based on his slow-witted responses in the meeting, he doesn’t seem very smart, though.

Janie stuck out her small hand for a shake, “Put it there, part’nuh!”

Ethan’s head was whirling. He accepted her handshake, then her business card that looked like a six-year-old had doodled stick people on a piece of card stock that was cut out at a whopsided angle. Janie proceeded to rattle off a list of things she needed to get done by the end of the day.

Why is she telling me this?

“Call me later, after four, so we can decide to meet or ride together to look at those buildings tomorrow,” she told him. He watched the neon pink shirt walk away. She was as interesting coming as she was going. On the back of the shirt was the same cartoon weightlifter, face down, doing pushups on dumbbells. The dumbbells were strategically placed on her butt cheeks. Each time she took a step, it looked as if the weightlifter was doing a one-armed press.

What just happened? Better yet, where in the hell did she get that crazy ass shirt?

That, he would have to answer later. Right now, his mind was focused on his arms. The fine hairs were sticking up from all of the goose pimples that had arisen from when she shook his hand.

Ethan was about to start a new chapter in his book of life. There was a great deal of information that would need to be set up in order for the story to flow smoothly. If not, this story would end just like his last novel; a hot, flat, mess.

He was smiling when he got into his car.

I have goose bumps.

 

Available in paperback and ebook for a  limited time for $.99.

Kindle: http://amzn.to/1Pjsixi

Nook: http://bit.ly/1UQwubA

Kobo: http://bit.ly/1fmwqA1

Ibooks: https://itunes.apple.com/us/book/id1031692632

 

What I am Reading

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Book Club

 

This month, my book club is reading Night Pleasures, By Sherrilyn Kenyon..

After March’s book club selection, I was moved aside and told it would be a while before I would be able to choose another book. Shannon chose this one and it sounds pretty good.  I did make up some brownie points by giving each member, their own personal coffee mug.

Here is a description.

He is solitude. He is darkness. He is the ruler of the night. Yet Kyrian of Thrace has just woken up handcuffed to his worst nightmare: An accountant. Worse, she’s being hunted by one of the most lethal vampires out there. And if Amanda Devereaux goes down, then he does too.

Headed to 2nd & Charles to see if I can find it tomorrow.

Things You Must Do To Be Happier

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So I am trolling the internet newsfeeds and FB feeds and I came across this article dated February 4 by  on Starting Today You Can Be the Happiest Person If You Pick Up These Habits..  I was intrigued and thought I would read the article.

In general, I am a happy person, mainly, because I am too stupid to worry about things in which I have no control.  The other reason I am happy is because I can see things as they are and laugh at the absurdity of it all. So please forgive me Mr. Adler, I did thoroughly enjoy your article, but being who I am, I am going to enjoy it even more once I make some adjustments.

I do like your positive start, “I think of myself as the happiest person whenever I walk into a room, and most people notice my smile right away. Here are 20 ways you can find yourself as happy as I am.”

My first thought, his doctor gave him some good sh*t. If I up my happy pills, I can be the happiest son of a gun in the room too.  Follow it up with a glass of Chenin Blanc, you would have to pull me off the chandelier. So I am going to follow your list, but add my own versions of what you are seeing.

1. Let it go.

If you are sitting down making lists on how to manage your life, this is probably the first thing you need to let go.  Life is about living not sitting at home making lists about sh*t you know you shouldn’t be doing anyway.

2. Be kind.

Go ahead and tell your best friend LaQueeda that she should not wear that dress because even on the savannah, that zebra print dress would confuse the hell out anything and anyone. Be kind, tell her it perplexes you just watching her ass move in it, and she should never wear it again.  In the long run, when she starts speaking to you again, it will be okay.

74883. Think of your problems as challenges.

You know you don’t have all of the rent today, and honestly, you ain’t going to have it tomorrow either.  BUT, in two days, when Pookie comes back, you will have the rest.  Go ahead and give them what you have, say you will pay the late fee, and bring the rest when Pookie hooks you up. You have just challenged yourself and succeeded.  Look at you grow.

4. Express gratitude.

The next time you call your sister and she launches into that long winded rant about her ailments and maladies, yell in the phone, “Thank God you are alive one more day to complain about it.  I know some people who are dead today. Go ahead, if you don’t believe me, pick up the obituary.  See, dead folks…ain’t you grateful?” I bet she feels a whole lot better about her gout.

idris_elba_075. Dream big.

Yeah, that one. Don’t be scared.  Walk up to that big ball of sexiness and let them know lucky they are.  If you weren’t already taken, you would ride them so hard you would scramble their molecules.  And because you are scientifically inclined, you can separate the DNA and rebuild them to be even sexier. GO hard or GO home is my motto.

6. Speak well of others.

Don’t be shy, tell your boss that you are very happy that Ellen got the promotion; it wasn’t your turn.  You can even let him now that since she separated her eyebrows, her confidence is way up.  Way to go Ellen!

7. Be in the now.

Put down the cell phone and yell across the gym at random people, “I am unfriending you now in person, I will do it again when I finish on the treadmill.  But then I will use my phone!” Who says your communication skills are not what they used to be, everyone in the room heard you.

8. Do not compare yourself to others.

There is absolutely no point.  Her boobs are bigger and will sag way before yours do. And so what if you gained a little weight, at least you aren’t STILL single. It doesn’t matter if you had a cheeseburger and fries for lunch.  Rhona had a twizzle stick, a craisin, and a bottle of water.  Yeah, she may be a size 4, but she is hungry as F*ck and single. Let her gnaw on that while she is dreaming her pillow is a marshmallow. Oh yeah, she is sleeping alone, because she is single.

9. Realize you don’t need others’ approval.

Of course you don’t need anyone’s approval. HOWEVER, Dan in accounting said you look really hot in the green dress.  Go ahead, wear it every other Thursday when you know he is coming to your floor for the bi-weekly conference call.  Why not?  You look hot, Dan said so.  Nice Dan.  Sweet Dan.  You’re going to scramble Dan’s molecules on the second date.

10. Be honest.

Okay, I got bored with Mr. Adler’s post at this point and this is when I decided to tear it apart. I feel better.  Don’t you? Let’s continue shall we?

11. Take time to listen.

What? I’m sorry, I looked up and your lips were moving.  Were you talking to me?  Why you getting all mad?  I heard half of it. See.  See. That’s what I mean.  You are so hard to communicate with….arrggh!

12. Accept what can’t be changed.

Dammit, you know Scandal is on, why are you still talking to me? arrrggh!

13. Read daily selections from a book of wisdom.

Okay.  Open Twitter Feed.

BjB6CtoIEAEAA8UDory@ltsDoryBitch                       Mar 19

these are stronger than most people’s relationships pic.twitter.com/ckrUYBSiRv

(hit reply–insert good one-lol—now retweet.  Wisdom shared.  Good for me.)

Fat Amy     ‏@fatamypost                       Mar 19

Me after running up the stairs 😩 pic.twitter.com/xcISqTPKEYBjH3T20IEAAcM0Y

Great! now that song is stuck in my head.  Reply to @fatamypost BOOO! Now retweet to screw up someone else’s day by making them sing that song….I got time while she got freedom…..and when a heart breaks, no it don’t break, no it don’t break even…

14. Travel at least two weeks of the year.

This does not mean you Kobe Bryant; you still have to dribble.

15. Catch yourself before negativity starts.

You know you don’t need that cookie, but dammit, if you are going to eat it, be happy about it.  There are children all over the world wishing they had a cookie, and you do.  If you are going to buy it, the eat the hell out it! Go ahead, Nom Nom Nom

apple

16. Dress well.

Go to the local old folks clothing store and buy yourself a pair of the fun, funky pants. I think you will look cute in them.

That cross is in her butt crack.

17. Enjoy sadness.

I saw an episode of the Walking Dead.  Screw that!  You can’t get any sadder than that crap, and I will tell you right here and now, I did not enjoy it.  Not at all. keep your sadness to yourself Mr. Happy Pants.

18. Eat well.

Food taste better with people you like.  Don’t be a zombie and eat the people, just find a way to get the girls or guys over to break bread and talk some trash.

19. Keep in touch with your friends and family.

Do Facebook posts count?  I sent a text the other day with a happy face.

20. Be alone.

It’s 2 in the morning and I am at my computer, but really, is anyone, ever really alone. Even as I reach the end of this post, you are here. Therefore, I am not alone.

I feel happier though.

She says the darnest things….

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    It never fails, we sit down to lunch, I load in a mouthful of salad, and out of her mouth spews forth something that makes me almost choke. My friend Aubrey gives new meaning to colloquialisms. It is not as if she uses the phrases incorrectly, but she laces old school wisdom with words that are not usually paired. For example, she stated a young lady showed up to an event looking like “damn it, I’ll bite ‘cha!” I’m not sure what that is supposed to look like, but I had a visual in mind.

    I often find myself marveling at her wisdom while attempting not to break out in laughter at her word choices. Here is another example. We were speaking of a friend of hers who was going through some adversity. Try as her friend might, things were just not quite working out in her life. Aubrey looks me straight in the face and tells me, “Sometimes God presents you with an opportunity to get out of a bad situation.” I know right? I thought the same thing, how accurate the statement is considering there have been bad situations in my life where, when the miraculous opportunity presented itself to escape, I did. However, she ruined the pearl of wisdom by adding, she was okay to be alone, and because it was giving her lady parts an opportunity to marinate, mature and develop a pure flavor. Huh?

    Again I choked.

I almost wanted to leave the table but curiosity forced me to sit still and hear more. The conversation continued about this friend who chose a man over her children. “What kind of man do you have that he would allow you to do such a thing? He is not a man especially, if he encourages you to put him before your children.” Again, I know right. Yet she follows it up with the next pairing, “that kind of d*ck can make a body sick.” Huh?

    I can’t help but laugh, because she says the darnest things. Just when I start to think I will be able to finish my meal without choking, along comes a young fine specimen of manhood that gives our table a courtesy glance. He nods, I smile. Aubrey  makes head on eye contact, the young man speaks, “How you doing?” I now find that I am actually holding my breath. Aubrey answers him with, “Anybody I can, you next?”

    Go ahead, say it with me…..huh?

The young man was shocked. I was shocked and the only thing left was to laugh. All three of us, and the young man, said he would have to remember that one. I finally am able to finish my lunch with a shake of my head, because she says the darnest things.


Just My Toes Please

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    It is that time of year again. It is time to head to the salons for pedicures for the summer. It is again time to slough off the dead of winter that torments our soles. It is also time yet again to be tormented by Mamasan and her crew. I don’t know what they are saying, but I think they are talking about me.

    “Manicure… pedicure?” When I say I just want the pedicure, I am told to pick out my color. She frowns at the initial choice as if that color will make me look like a fool, so I make another. I take to the chair, slip off my shoes and add my feet to the blue hot water. I pick up the chair controller, recline the chair and start the massage features. I am relaxed, I am decompressing, I am about to get my “chill out” on.

    Through the dull roar of my eyes, I can hear an annoying sound. “You want design?” Cracking my eyes, I answer politely, “No, thank you.” I just want my feet taken care of, I close my eyes and I am headed back to my land of enchantment, where the Prince has just entered the ball and has asked me to dance. He extends his hand. I reach for it only to hear, “You want spa?” I am getting annoyed. “No, thank you, just the pedicure,” I answer more tersely this time. I frown, lean back again in the chair, now where was I? Oh yes, the Prince, in his regal glory had just reached for my hand. I am nodding, accepting, and he is saying something to me….only all I hear is, “Your nail…really bad…you need manicure!”

    NO I DON’T. I JUST WANT TO RELAX!

“Design, you need design….I make real pretty, I make for you!” I am peeved now, I don’t want the design, just do the toes please. She finally leaves me in peace and I notice my nail polish has ran. I pay and leave in my ad hoc flip flops. Why does it always happen to me, I just wanted my toes done and a moment to relax? I can appreciate her desire to work the upsell, but sometimes when a customer says, “just the toes please,” then that is all they want. I can be honest and tell you, that if you treat the customer with respect, and allow them to just enjoy this opportunity to self-pamper in peace, they will come back. Only next time, they will ask for the manicure as well.