Food

She says the darnest things….

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    It never fails, we sit down to lunch, I load in a mouthful of salad, and out of her mouth spews forth something that makes me almost choke. My friend Aubrey gives new meaning to colloquialisms. It is not as if she uses the phrases incorrectly, but she laces old school wisdom with words that are not usually paired. For example, she stated a young lady showed up to an event looking like “damn it, I’ll bite ‘cha!” I’m not sure what that is supposed to look like, but I had a visual in mind.

    I often find myself marveling at her wisdom while attempting not to break out in laughter at her word choices. Here is another example. We were speaking of a friend of hers who was going through some adversity. Try as her friend might, things were just not quite working out in her life. Aubrey looks me straight in the face and tells me, “Sometimes God presents you with an opportunity to get out of a bad situation.” I know right? I thought the same thing, how accurate the statement is considering there have been bad situations in my life where, when the miraculous opportunity presented itself to escape, I did. However, she ruined the pearl of wisdom by adding, she was okay to be alone, and because it was giving her lady parts an opportunity to marinate, mature and develop a pure flavor. Huh?

    Again I choked.

I almost wanted to leave the table but curiosity forced me to sit still and hear more. The conversation continued about this friend who chose a man over her children. “What kind of man do you have that he would allow you to do such a thing? He is not a man especially, if he encourages you to put him before your children.” Again, I know right. Yet she follows it up with the next pairing, “that kind of d*ck can make a body sick.” Huh?

    I can’t help but laugh, because she says the darnest things. Just when I start to think I will be able to finish my meal without choking, along comes a young fine specimen of manhood that gives our table a courtesy glance. He nods, I smile. Aubrey  makes head on eye contact, the young man speaks, “How you doing?” I now find that I am actually holding my breath. Aubrey answers him with, “Anybody I can, you next?”

    Go ahead, say it with me…..huh?

The young man was shocked. I was shocked and the only thing left was to laugh. All three of us, and the young man, said he would have to remember that one. I finally am able to finish my lunch with a shake of my head, because she says the darnest things.


Are you talking to me?

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    As I made my way through the grocers on Friday, it appeared that I had broken out in the words, “Talk to me.” At first it seemed kind of random, and then it became kind of creepy. I am uncertain why people I don’t know like to begin conversations with me. Some of the conversations are to my face and some have been to the back of my head, and while I was leaning over to check the beef selections, there was even one to my butt. Each time, to make sure I was not being rude, disrespectful to my elders, I responded with the same question, “Are you talking to me?”
    Evidently, the older gentlemen picking sweet potatoes, was conversing with me. It seemed to be a burden on his mind that “people need to get right, because the end is coming near.” I looked to my left, then right, and even over my shoulder. “I’m sorry, are you talking to me?” He was, and the price of sweet potatoes triggered some mental flash in him that the end of the world is coming because both sweet and white potatoes prices were on the rise. After he left, I went over to make sure that one of the sweet potatoes didn’t have an image of the Virgin Mary in it. No, it was just random.
    Milling my way through the fresh produce and down the canned goods aisles, Grandma Mazur decided to stop me so I could help her find a can of red salmon. However, the conversation first started with how all the stores carried the pink and not the red. Not meaning to frown, I asked, “are you talking to me?” She was angry and frustrated and just wanted some red salmon. I pointed to the red can and even went as far to hand it to her. They were the only red cans of salmon, ergo, red salmon, so calm down lady.
    It just got stranger from there. I was asked did I know how to make weenie stew. I have never heard of such but figured it required beef franks instead of the normal hot dogs. Another lady wanted tomato paste in the tube; do they even make that? I was polite and told her to try Publix or fresh market since that was a specialty item. If she shopped in this store often, she could ask the manager to order it for her. “That’s what they did in the Tobacco Road store, they ordered me some polenta,” she smiled and continued, with unbridled excitement, “it came in real quick like too!” Yes, it was uncomfortable to me too. Even more uncomfortable was me bending over the beef bin and hearing, “yeah, that looks real tasty.”
    I turned to find a diminutive version of my grandfather eyeing the rump roast. Or was he eyeing my rump? I refused to ask if he was talking to me because the mental implication was just too creepy and gross to fathom. I am not certain what it is about me that prompts spontaneous conversation, but it happens to me all the time. I must have a friendly face or a Doppelganger that needs to learn to shut the bleep up. It is even funnier to me that although I am polite and answer, most people would leave me be, if the only knew what I was just thinking.



Organize Me

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    One of the biggest requests that come through my office is for personal organization. Often, the customer feels as if life is overwhelming and getting day to day tasks completed is taking over their life. Normally after hearing the stories of finding the car keys in the refrigerator or the inability to stay asleep all night, I usually start the customer off with a better to do list. However, before we can build a to-do list, we must first turn off the distractors, which are the things that prevent you from being organized.

    According to All You Magazine, there is a top ten lists of items needed to help you master getting organized.

  1. Maintain a calendar so you can keep track. http://Cozi.com has a great online family calendar.
  2. Make a list of priorities. Take 15 minute every evening to map out what has to happen the next day. This way, you to do list can turn into a done list.
  3. Practice makes perfect and you must practice a new routine to be for it to become part of your daily habit. Yes, this included bad eating, failure to exercise, putting off and feeling like a slug.
  4. When are you at your best? If you find that in the wee hours of the morning before every one arises is the sweetest time of the day, make this time your magic hours. If you need to stretch, read, pray, meditate or whatever you require to make your day start out right and stay on track.
  5. Reach out and touch someone….instead of calling, no answer, calling again, just leave a message already. Tell your intended conversationalist what you want, when you plan to call them back or when you will available. I even saw an app called http://lucyphone.com will dial you when the party you reach is available.
  6. Make a decision and stick with it. Research has shown that your first reaction is the one you should go with. Get rid of the self-doubt and uncertainty and trust yourself.
  7. Log off and stop multi-tasking. Multi-tasking is fake word created by fake people who believe they are accomplishing a great deal, when in fact, they are accomplishing very little. Check your email in the morning, the afternoon and evening. Turn off some of the feeds on your phone and keep on point.
  8. You can stay on point if you learn to say no. The world is not going to end if you can’t be there. Go ahead, practice with me, say no. That felt good didn’t it? Try it again; say it with me, “no.”
  9. Ask for help. You are not going to be fully appreciated for all the little things you do. Hell, you probably won’t be appreciated for the big things you do either, so share the load. Delegate and pass some of that stuff on to somebody else.
  10. Sit down. The world is not going to end if you take a bath, read a book with a cup of tea or take a nap on that couch that you are always vacuuming.

Here are some fabulous sites to help you get started on your newly organized life.

Manage your entire task with this website. http://www.rememberthemilk.com/

Capture anything and everything with http://www.evernote.com/about/home.php

Organize your grocery shopping and menus all in one place http://get.ziplist.com/

Count the calories and stay on track with you diet at http://loseit.com/

Or create new work habits with http://todoist.com/ or another similar site https://wedoist.com/

Read the Label!

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    As we head into the second week of the New Year, many are finding that the weight loss battle is really just beginning. The gyms are now over crowded with people who have no idea of what they are doing and coworkers are walking about with gallon jugs of water. All of the cleansing and sweat beds in the world will not wash away the poundage of bad food choices.

    Poor dietary habits are not only detrimental to the health of those who carry a few extra pounds; it can also be harmful for those who do not weigh enough. The BBC hosts a reality series of Supersize vs. Superskinny . This show contrasts the extreme relationships that people have with food. One of these shows showcased an 85 pound young lady who spent 3 hours in the grocery store, and no, she was not an extreme couponer. She was reading the labels on the food containers. Three hours in a grocery store just reading labels and she left the store with six items. Well, hell, I’d weigh 85 pounds too if I could be that discriminating. I then put it to the test, which things did I buy on a regular that I just did not bother to read the label.

    Starting at the top of my day, I looked at my cereal. My whole grain partner that boasts 51 grams of colon happy fiber filling was labeled at 160 calories without milk. Adding skim milk takes my whole grain goodness to 200 calories. Not bad to start, but I also have coffee in the morning and orange juice. I will do 2% milk because skim milk looks like white water and is gross. The 2% milk weighs in at 160 calories alone and I am suddenly feeling fat.

There are so many calories and so little time, and even though we each try to watch what we eat, it is the portions that can really throw you. I never measure out a cup of the cereal; I pour a good measure into the bowl. I stop when it looks like the bowl is overflowing and I feel like I am being greedy.

    The same concept applies to bag of chips. Even eating baked Ruffles, it is nice to know that the label says it is only 120 calories. Yes, only 120 calories for 10 chips. Who’s going to eat 10 when the company motto is “you can’t eat just one?” Or is that Lay’s? It doesn’t matter because I have never counted out and ate just 10 chips. But there is the rub; you have to read the label. Those labels will drive you nucking futty! I can now see why 85 Pound Lady she spent 3 hours in the store! I read the label on a boxed version of macaroni and cheese and nearly had an aneurism. I am not going to even discuss what I read because I don’t want you to panic. However, I was just thinking, if the caloric count is that high on the box, what is it when we make it at home from scratch and use four different cheeses? Again, I am feeling fat.

    I am going to play this smart and work my way into my weight loss plan. First, I will make sure I understand what fuel I am putting into my Über sexy vehicle. I am going to register on my calorie counter. Next, I am going to get a gallon jug like my coworkers and start pumping in some pure water. Last but not least, as discussed earlier, I am going to get out into my yard and work on making my backyard a haven.

This only leaves one label left to read. If I may be so trite with the perfect label and quote Fred, “Right”.

What a Great Show!

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It is mid-season and on comes the mid-season replacements! Say Yeah! As you are well aware, Grey’s Anatomy was a mid-season replacement and look how well that did. It is my sincere hope that some of the hype of the earlier Fall shows that have been a grave disappointment will be removed from the televisionverse. NBC is planning to stand strong with a mid-season addition of the The Firm and a nice late edition and one of my favorites Grimm. The Firm is based off the movie with Tom Cruise and of course the latter is based on Grimm Fairy Tales with a twist. However with the addition of something new, something old has to go. The first on my list to be cut is that insipid Terra Nova. Are you hearing me Fox?

    However, I have been pleasantly surprised by some alternative programming on some of the other channels. The geniuses at AMC, who brought you Mad Men, have come back strong this season with a wonderful period piece, Hell on Wheels. It has cowboys, it has Indians, and it has moguls, madmen, and developing civilization. There are union workers and a coalition of Free Men who are fighting for the right to be called men after liberation by President Lincoln. It has intrigued, murder, romance and conniving women. Whew, that is a good show!

    AMC also has the Walking Dead, but hey, it’s about Zombies. If you are going to watch a show with half dead people feeding on other humans, please turn over to the SyFy channel for an episode of Being Human. You see, a ghost, a werewolf and a vampire all move in together and no, it is not the start of a bad joke. She’s dead, killed by her boyfriend and doomed to haunt the house the boyfriend is unable to rent. The werewolf has some issues and the end of each month and the vampire stopped feeding on humans. Together, they have become a weird, dysfunctional family that actually loves and support one another. I am not sure how it is all going to work out in the season considering the ghost lady let something malevolent into the house. It is going to be a fight for survival, but it is understood that in the end, they all just want get along and be loved.  I am now imagining greater.

Even greater, SyFy has also acquired Lost Girl. We meet Bo, a succubus that is a cop, wandering between her human life and the life of a Fae. I know right?  I can’t wait to check this one out next month.

    I am even more excited because in January we can welcome the return of that damned American Idol, but we can also return of something fresh. The Food Network understands fresh and beefed up their programming with The Next Iron Chef. Those smart aleck Chefs who sit behind a desk a critique other people’s food have been put to the test. This show is really exciting because those arrogant over paid chefs have been cut down to bite sized pieces. The one chef they thought would be gone first is actually standing up and is going against Jeffrey Zacharian. Now that is a good show! I also learned a new way to work with lamb and make sausage.


It just gets better folks, Game of Thrones will return in April and True Blood returns in June, featuring Chris Meloni of Law & Order SVU fame.

Exciting! Now that, is going to be a show!