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Things You Must Do To Be Happier

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So I am trolling the internet newsfeeds and FB feeds and I came across this article dated February 4 by  on Starting Today You Can Be the Happiest Person If You Pick Up These Habits..  I was intrigued and thought I would read the article.

In general, I am a happy person, mainly, because I am too stupid to worry about things in which I have no control.  The other reason I am happy is because I can see things as they are and laugh at the absurdity of it all. So please forgive me Mr. Adler, I did thoroughly enjoy your article, but being who I am, I am going to enjoy it even more once I make some adjustments.

I do like your positive start, “I think of myself as the happiest person whenever I walk into a room, and most people notice my smile right away. Here are 20 ways you can find yourself as happy as I am.”

My first thought, his doctor gave him some good sh*t. If I up my happy pills, I can be the happiest son of a gun in the room too.  Follow it up with a glass of Chenin Blanc, you would have to pull me off the chandelier. So I am going to follow your list, but add my own versions of what you are seeing.

1. Let it go.

If you are sitting down making lists on how to manage your life, this is probably the first thing you need to let go.  Life is about living not sitting at home making lists about sh*t you know you shouldn’t be doing anyway.

2. Be kind.

Go ahead and tell your best friend LaQueeda that she should not wear that dress because even on the savannah, that zebra print dress would confuse the hell out anything and anyone. Be kind, tell her it perplexes you just watching her ass move in it, and she should never wear it again.  In the long run, when she starts speaking to you again, it will be okay.

74883. Think of your problems as challenges.

You know you don’t have all of the rent today, and honestly, you ain’t going to have it tomorrow either.  BUT, in two days, when Pookie comes back, you will have the rest.  Go ahead and give them what you have, say you will pay the late fee, and bring the rest when Pookie hooks you up. You have just challenged yourself and succeeded.  Look at you grow.

4. Express gratitude.

The next time you call your sister and she launches into that long winded rant about her ailments and maladies, yell in the phone, “Thank God you are alive one more day to complain about it.  I know some people who are dead today. Go ahead, if you don’t believe me, pick up the obituary.  See, dead folks…ain’t you grateful?” I bet she feels a whole lot better about her gout.

idris_elba_075. Dream big.

Yeah, that one. Don’t be scared.  Walk up to that big ball of sexiness and let them know lucky they are.  If you weren’t already taken, you would ride them so hard you would scramble their molecules.  And because you are scientifically inclined, you can separate the DNA and rebuild them to be even sexier. GO hard or GO home is my motto.

6. Speak well of others.

Don’t be shy, tell your boss that you are very happy that Ellen got the promotion; it wasn’t your turn.  You can even let him now that since she separated her eyebrows, her confidence is way up.  Way to go Ellen!

7. Be in the now.

Put down the cell phone and yell across the gym at random people, “I am unfriending you now in person, I will do it again when I finish on the treadmill.  But then I will use my phone!” Who says your communication skills are not what they used to be, everyone in the room heard you.

8. Do not compare yourself to others.

There is absolutely no point.  Her boobs are bigger and will sag way before yours do. And so what if you gained a little weight, at least you aren’t STILL single. It doesn’t matter if you had a cheeseburger and fries for lunch.  Rhona had a twizzle stick, a craisin, and a bottle of water.  Yeah, she may be a size 4, but she is hungry as F*ck and single. Let her gnaw on that while she is dreaming her pillow is a marshmallow. Oh yeah, she is sleeping alone, because she is single.

9. Realize you don’t need others’ approval.

Of course you don’t need anyone’s approval. HOWEVER, Dan in accounting said you look really hot in the green dress.  Go ahead, wear it every other Thursday when you know he is coming to your floor for the bi-weekly conference call.  Why not?  You look hot, Dan said so.  Nice Dan.  Sweet Dan.  You’re going to scramble Dan’s molecules on the second date.

10. Be honest.

Okay, I got bored with Mr. Adler’s post at this point and this is when I decided to tear it apart. I feel better.  Don’t you? Let’s continue shall we?

11. Take time to listen.

What? I’m sorry, I looked up and your lips were moving.  Were you talking to me?  Why you getting all mad?  I heard half of it. See.  See. That’s what I mean.  You are so hard to communicate with….arrggh!

12. Accept what can’t be changed.

Dammit, you know Scandal is on, why are you still talking to me? arrrggh!

13. Read daily selections from a book of wisdom.

Okay.  Open Twitter Feed.

BjB6CtoIEAEAA8UDory@ltsDoryBitch                       Mar 19

these are stronger than most people’s relationships pic.twitter.com/ckrUYBSiRv

(hit reply–insert good one-lol—now retweet.  Wisdom shared.  Good for me.)

Fat Amy     ‏@fatamypost                       Mar 19

Me after running up the stairs 😩 pic.twitter.com/xcISqTPKEYBjH3T20IEAAcM0Y

Great! now that song is stuck in my head.  Reply to @fatamypost BOOO! Now retweet to screw up someone else’s day by making them sing that song….I got time while she got freedom…..and when a heart breaks, no it don’t break, no it don’t break even…

14. Travel at least two weeks of the year.

This does not mean you Kobe Bryant; you still have to dribble.

15. Catch yourself before negativity starts.

You know you don’t need that cookie, but dammit, if you are going to eat it, be happy about it.  There are children all over the world wishing they had a cookie, and you do.  If you are going to buy it, the eat the hell out it! Go ahead, Nom Nom Nom

apple

16. Dress well.

Go to the local old folks clothing store and buy yourself a pair of the fun, funky pants. I think you will look cute in them.

That cross is in her butt crack.

17. Enjoy sadness.

I saw an episode of the Walking Dead.  Screw that!  You can’t get any sadder than that crap, and I will tell you right here and now, I did not enjoy it.  Not at all. keep your sadness to yourself Mr. Happy Pants.

18. Eat well.

Food taste better with people you like.  Don’t be a zombie and eat the people, just find a way to get the girls or guys over to break bread and talk some trash.

19. Keep in touch with your friends and family.

Do Facebook posts count?  I sent a text the other day with a happy face.

20. Be alone.

It’s 2 in the morning and I am at my computer, but really, is anyone, ever really alone. Even as I reach the end of this post, you are here. Therefore, I am not alone.

I feel happier though.

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Taking a Lazy Day

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It is a wonderful Sunday. The sun is bright outside and daylight savings time has occurred today springing me forward and allowing me to sleep one hour past the time I should have arisen. It is because of this, that I got a late start on my day. I then gave some real consideration to why and I always in a hurry.

lazy_day-3109
I get up with my feet hitting thee floor starting the race through a self-imposed maze that I call my life. Today, I am holding on to the cheese and taking a seat in the big chair, popping some corn, and taking control of the remote. Mama is having a lazy day.

For those of you who are unfamiliar, a lazy day is one of those wonderfully, beautiful, eloquent days where you turn off the phone, stock pile the munchies from the cabinet and your neurotic hiding places, and do absolutely nothing. Yes, I said neurotic hiding place. You know, the spot behind the cookie jar where you stash that Snickers, or the mini Moon Pie, or that last oatmeal raisin cookie for just so emergencies. Emergencies like my co-worker got on my nerves today. I love my child who is getting on my nerves. My husband, God bless his soul, is getting on my last M*&^%$ing nerve, where is my oatmeal raisin cookie so I can feel better?

215px-Fire_Down_Below I have my Moon Pie in the arm of the recliner, Steven Segal and Marg Helgenberger are in some movie about rednecks that live in the mountains, I have a nice cup of tea and all is right with world. It is a really bad movie. The one on before it in black and white about a dumb cowboy out for revenge was worse. I turned to SyFy and they seem to be on auto play with Resident Evil. I am watching these because they inspire me.

Oh, I thought about reading a book. Lord knows next week I need to start writing a new one, but today, I am inspired by the flawed story. There are gaffs in these movies a mile wide and I can sit and watch and be entertained. I can even ponder plausible plot synopsis to make these movies better.

It is my lazy day and I can do anything I want. Dinner was the same thing as lunch, a tuna sandwich and an apple. I had a Moon Pie for dessert. Maybe later, I will even take a shower. Because it is my lazy day, maybe I won’t.

Don’t hate, ameliorate.

When did men stop being men?

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Last month, as part of our saving more campaign, hubby and I decided to cancel some unnecessary subscriptions and memberships. Reluctantly, this cancellation included my new love, Sirius Satellite radio. I miss having the freedom to avoid advertising and Shock Jocks, but alas, without my trust iPod at my side, I was forced to listen to the radio. I tuned in to Michael Baisden. He had an interesting topic and wanted to know, when did men stop being men?


    I don’t think that men have stopped being men; I think women have stopped being ladies. In an ever changing world, roles became muddled in the 80’s, transfused in the 90’s and in the new millennia, these roles have been transposed. We don’t know what we want anymore, who we want or how to live with the opposite sex. We can’t communicate because unless it is a BBM or a text message, face time is only applicable if it involves the Facetime app. How can we expect our men to know what to say let alone how to act?

    The problem is really two fold. I think as mothers, we have become so protective of bad women who were not properly raised, that we shelter our sons. Our sheltered sons are often torn between holding in their mouths the breasts of their women and the breasts of their mothers. It is hard to realize such extremes, but to be honest, it is where we are. Our men cannot be men, because they are still being their mom’s little boys. Mother’s must learn to let them go so they can leave your homes and began their own.

    When Mom learns to let go, men can then become independent to find their way. Don’t worry Mom, if you raised him right, he will know how to treat a lady and will only attract the good ones. But, in order to attract a good man, you must first be a good woman. Being a good woman means you must learn to honest and stop introducing the men in your lives to you designated representatives (DR). Your DR is that person you are pretending to be to get this man to like or love you. You wonder why the relationship goes south; because once you tire of the charade, the real you comes out. Nine times out of ten, he will not like the real you. As a matter of fact, you argue all the time because the real you and your DR are at odds. However, you will not be kind and end it until you have reduced him to a pulverized mass weeping on the kitchen floor. I feel sorry for the woman that gets him next.

    Men have not stopped being men, we have stopped being ladies. Our DR’s show up and promise the poor fella that he has discovered a rare gem, when really it is just a lump a coal covered in green spray paint and shined up with Armor All. How do you know how to pick a good partner or mate when you can no longer trust your judgment? You don’t judge, you just learn to feel. If what you are doing feels good, then good is okay. It no longer becomes relevant to find something permanent, because every one lies. Everyone has a DR, and tonight, it is your turn to entertain the reps.

    If the latest rep or DR can pole dance, then the night is going to be hot! Who needs love when I can borrow it for a few minutes? I can be a good man tomorrow, however tonight, I am going to be a bad boy. Life is short, why waste it thinking? I am still thinking about the original question and I have no answer for you Mr. Baisden.

Are You Overstimulated?

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    In these modern times, you are accessible. You can be reached 24 hours a day,  7 days a week and there are very few minutes to breath. By the time you update your Facebook status, send out a few tweets, check your blog, your phone is ringing. If the phone is not ringing, then there is a text message. If not a text message, there is email notifications on your phone and some of us have gotten smart, and we have Tweetdeck. To be perfectly honest, I think we are all over stimulated.

    If you are wondering if you are over stimulated, here are some prime examples. I could not find my keys, and the last place I remember going was the fridge. True enough, my keys were in the fridge sitting on top of the plates that I had planned to put in the cupboard. Stop laughing, what was the last thing you remember actually finishing?

    Paul Hammerness and Megan Moore, a couple of Harvard Professors, wrote a  lovely book titled Organize Your Mind, Organize Your Life. These two brainiacs say that the occasional misplacing of your keys is the start of a distraction epidemic. Disorganization leads to distraction which leads to clutter, information overload, poor works habits and strained relationships. They apply the tip to just S.T.O.P. The acronym stands for step back, think, organize your thoughts, and proceed with what needs to be done.

    I would like to STOP, but I am too stimulated with stuff to take the step back. I want to think but I am too busy thinking about what I need to do. I am trying to organize my thoughts but my iPod keeps going off because Aida is trying to steal my Mayorship on Foursquare. GIJane has just commented on Facebook about the comment I made on her wall and Devron has just posted a comment on Funny Ass Picture of the Day and I have to keep up. Shut up, it is important. It is important to me. I need to know these things people!

    However, I plan to proceed to a place of happiness and of calm. I realize I am overstimulated because half of the time I cannot turn my brain off to sleep. Those smart asses at Harvard say that I would have less stress and more order in my life if I log off of Twitter, put down my iPod and pick up their book. I tell them to STOP. I don’t plan to over stimulate their wallets. So there Harvard doctors!

iBroke

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    There are very few things in this life that genuinely surprise me. This past Christmas, I was pleasantly surprised by my family. My son, who is forever brooding in that dark, I am so deep manner, gifted me with a really cool watch. My husband usually gives me something impractical that I hold on to for several years before finding a good use for or he gives me something so practical, like socks, which one has to question his thinking. This year he surprised me. I received a gift certificate to my favorite store, Jo-Ann‘s, six new pairs of socks and I got an iPod.
    I have been fighting joining the iVerse for many years and often felt it was some form of an exclusive cult of white corded techies. This club consisted of mass collections of iDroids posing as techno beings, who spoke their own language as they made iMovies, published iBooks and downloaded iTunes. I just didn’t get it, but know I do. I was again surprised.
    My iPod came ready to go when I turned it on and after adding my little snacked out of apple sticker, I was now a part of the Hoi Polloi. I was now officially a Pod Person. I went online and joined the exclusive club and updated my iCloud. I thought, well how cool is this? I started considering ditching my Droid phone and just relying on my iPod for many of the functions I use on my Evo. I could save a boatload of cash each month while sticking it to the Sprint Gods. I proceeded to download my favorite apps like Foursquare, Fandango, Twitter, Facebook and of course, the Jo-Ann app. This was not enough. I want to be a part of the Tekkie universe so I needed to understand iWork which included iPages, iNumbers and iKeynote. In order to get these gems, a visit to the iStore was required. It turns out that each of these little applications were $9.99 each. Color me surprised!

    I then learned that I could also download my favorite movies, music, videos and books. All of these wonderful little pieces of the iVerse start at about $.99 each. Did I mention to even get the iPod started I had to give my credit card information? I wanted these things because I was now a Pod Person and Pod People needed Pod things to make their Pods grow and be bountiful. As day two rolls around, the shine is officially off the penny as well as the Pod, and I have just joined a new exclusive club called iBroke.
    However, although it is in our nature to want all the bells and whistles, we can fool ourselves that at $.99 each, I can just get the songs I want. I can watch movies on a cute little appliance that I can hold in my fingers while making my friends and other non-Pod people envious. I can show off my white ear buds and white cords and let others know that I too, was a member of the iClub. Screw that! I have satellite radio. I have Comcast Cable with Xfinity internet and wireless access in my home. I don’t want to watch a movie on a hand held apparatus. I want to kick back on my oversized couch, have an oversized bowl of popcorn and watch a movie on my big ass oversized television!
   Yet, I am grateful for my new toy because it provided fodder for me to rant about. I am even grateful for my six new pairs of surprisingly colorful socks. I am glad to also have a new MP3 player and even more grateful that hubby got the best one on the market.  I just don’t want to go broke to use it.  I will keep you updated on good deals and steals in the Apple Store and even more clever ways to use this device.  I am hoping, that in the end, I can remain optmistically surprised.


Did you just unfriend me?

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Today I was just given a shock. I was checking my Facebook page and hubby made the comment that our son had something funny on his wall. I went to check and found that my own child had unfriended me! The nerve!

Here is the beauty of this; he is not able to see my post because he is not my friend. Therefore I can talk about him and he not know.

What does it really mean in Americanspeak when someone unfriends you on a social network? It means that you have been deemed unimportant in their daily lives. It means they do not care to know what you are doing on a daily basis and you are not privy to their information. In other words, you have been ruled as obsolete.

I know, it hurts. It hurts me too. I unfriended by brother-in-law and his insipid wife. I unfriended that guy from high school that I never really spoke to 30 years ago and I don’t really want to know about his daily life. I unfriended that drunk girl from college, who claimed she was allergic to alcohol, but found a way to guzzle it every weekend. I unfriended an Army buddy who found religion. She did not necessarily find God, because she is always judging how someone else is living their lives. I unfriended that former co-worker who I remembered tried to get me fired. Witch!

I blocked Mafia Wars, My Little Pony, I have a Butt Rash, Hearts, Rabbits and other irrelevant applications that drained my phone’s battery. I stopped following and unliking artist who made sucky movies. I stopped liking artist who sold out and added rap music to beautiful R & B ballads. I stopped responding to events that I would never, ever attend, by groups, I don’t want to be associated with anyway.

I took a cue from my son.

I started to update my pages as well and began to remove people that I really didn’t deal with on a regular basis.

I am okay with it.

I just hope some my acquaintances are as well, my sister in law, I don’t really care about.

Unfriending someone is not an insult. I see it as a separation of church and state. I don’t need to see everything that is going on in my son’s life and he does not need to see what I am posting. Not that either of us are saying anything offensive.

I am glad I have a chance to now ask him how was his day, versus sharing his life vicariously through his daily updates. I, now get to talk to him in person. Unfriending me, may just save our relationship.


Too Much Information

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In an instant messaging status updating world, our days are filled with the overflow of information on our personal lives.  Depending on the number of friends and followers, one can be constantly bombarded with information of other’s existence.  Those social vampires that you have avoided personal contact with are now filtered through your phone and they still find a way to suck the life out of you with their problems. We certainly have the ability on Facebook to “hide” their ramblings, but how do you adjust the streaming feed in real life?  Or has it progressed to a level of a constant need for attention that has removed our ability to know when we are sharing too much information? As the Queen of Tweetdeck updates, allow me to explain.

              As I was undergoing another round of nap therapy, the thick accented patient next to me was asking the therapist a question that she could not decipher.  He looked to me for help so I translated his words. This opened the door for Therapy Lady to unload her sadness unto my mat. First she explained that husband number two was also Puerto Rican and she should have understood his thick accent. My eyebrows arched in disbelief, one, because the gentleman next to me was German, and two, who asked her. Evidently misreading my arched brows as “tell me more,” she then proceeded to inform me that her first husband, a high school sweetheart, was Bipolar, and when he hit child number two with a backhand, she knew she had to leave him. 

            Arched eyebrows now furrowed, inspired her to continue this tale and let me know that husband number two was in jail. I tilted my head looking for the hidden camera while waiting for someone to jump out and tell me that I was being “Punked.” Ashton did not answer my prayer because Therapy Lady continued this depressing diatribe by informing me that husband number two molested her 13-year-old. Eyebrows are again arched. She then says, “yeah, and he was quickly escalating towards something more serious.” Furrowed brows again, this time with my hands up, inspired her to add “yeah, I’m single now, and don’t want to be alone, but I can’t trust anyone else….” 

Was that a tear I saw trickle down her cheek?  I am now frowning, more serious than three years of him diddling your daughter, who thought there was nothing wrong with step daddy’s behavior because you didn’t think it was necessary to explain good touching and bad touching? Was it more serious than you using your daughter’s molestation as a sympathy pump and now it is all about you because it wasn’t your fault? More serious than me wanting to take the ice bag off my knee and knock some sense into your empty head? How could it possibly be more serious than the contempt I feel for you right now?

            Our heavy accented friend read my face correctly for he cleared his throat, which now drew the attention of Ms. Munchausen By-Proxy –Therapy-Lady and reminded her that she was actually at work. My lips, now pursed, and sister girl is evolving in my eyes, which are slowly widening as I raise myself to a sitting position. She must have taken the visual cues for what they actually were this time because she took the hell off.

            Don’t ask, because I don’t know what I was going to say or going to do, I just knew I had experienced enough “oversharing” for an afternoon.  But here is the sad part, I did not report her. We are in a recession and she is a single mom. However, if she should choose to be so dumb and share with me once more, I will offer her this advice.  Your friends are there to share your burdens in life, not complete strangers. Your friends will also get tired of listening to you go on about poor me.  Take your misery off of your Facebook status and stop taking the phone into the bathroom with you; the person on the other line does not want to hear you pee and I don’t want to pee and hear you.  I am not investing in Botox so stop trying to read my expressions as I care and you should unburden yourself on me. Last but not least, shut the bleep up! Be miserable by yourself and stop subjecting those around you to your pity party. If this isn’t enough information, then I will plainly state that some stuff, you should keep between you, your God and a good psychologist.