cell phones
Things You Must Do To Be Happier
So I am trolling the internet newsfeeds and FB feeds and I came across this article dated February 4 by Daniel Ryan Adler on Starting Today You Can Be the Happiest Person If You Pick Up These Habits.. I was intrigued and thought I would read the article.
In general, I am a happy person, mainly, because I am too stupid to worry about things in which I have no control. The other reason I am happy is because I can see things as they are and laugh at the absurdity of it all. So please forgive me Mr. Adler, I did thoroughly enjoy your article, but being who I am, I am going to enjoy it even more once I make some adjustments.
I do like your positive start, “I think of myself as the happiest person whenever I walk into a room, and most people notice my smile right away. Here are 20 ways you can find yourself as happy as I am.”
My first thought, his doctor gave him some good sh*t. If I up my happy pills, I can be the happiest son of a gun in the room too. Follow it up with a glass of Chenin Blanc, you would have to pull me off the chandelier. So I am going to follow your list, but add my own versions of what you are seeing.
1. Let it go.
If you are sitting down making lists on how to manage your life, this is probably the first thing you need to let go. Life is about living not sitting at home making lists about sh*t you know you shouldn’t be doing anyway.
2. Be kind.
Go ahead and tell your best friend LaQueeda that she should not wear that dress because even on the savannah, that zebra print dress would confuse the hell out anything and anyone. Be kind, tell her it perplexes you just watching her ass move in it, and she should never wear it again. In the long run, when she starts speaking to you again, it will be okay.
3. Think of your problems as challenges.
You know you don’t have all of the rent today, and honestly, you ain’t going to have it tomorrow either. BUT, in two days, when Pookie comes back, you will have the rest. Go ahead and give them what you have, say you will pay the late fee, and bring the rest when Pookie hooks you up. You have just challenged yourself and succeeded. Look at you grow.
4. Express gratitude.
The next time you call your sister and she launches into that long winded rant about her ailments and maladies, yell in the phone, “Thank God you are alive one more day to complain about it. I know some people who are dead today. Go ahead, if you don’t believe me, pick up the obituary. See, dead folks…ain’t you grateful?” I bet she feels a whole lot better about her gout.
5. Dream big.
Yeah, that one. Don’t be scared. Walk up to that big ball of sexiness and let them know lucky they are. If you weren’t already taken, you would ride them so hard you would scramble their molecules. And because you are scientifically inclined, you can separate the DNA and rebuild them to be even sexier. GO hard or GO home is my motto.
6. Speak well of others.
Don’t be shy, tell your boss that you are very happy that Ellen got the promotion; it wasn’t your turn. You can even let him now that since she separated her eyebrows, her confidence is way up. Way to go Ellen!
7. Be in the now.
Put down the cell phone and yell across the gym at random people, “I am unfriending you now in person, I will do it again when I finish on the treadmill. But then I will use my phone!” Who says your communication skills are not what they used to be, everyone in the room heard you.
8. Do not compare yourself to others.
There is absolutely no point. Her boobs are bigger and will sag way before yours do. And so what if you gained a little weight, at least you aren’t STILL single. It doesn’t matter if you had a cheeseburger and fries for lunch. Rhona had a twizzle stick, a craisin, and a bottle of water. Yeah, she may be a size 4, but she is hungry as F*ck and single. Let her gnaw on that while she is dreaming her pillow is a marshmallow. Oh yeah, she is sleeping alone, because she is single.
9. Realize you don’t need others’ approval.
Of course you don’t need anyone’s approval. HOWEVER, Dan in accounting said you look really hot in the green dress. Go ahead, wear it every other Thursday when you know he is coming to your floor for the bi-weekly conference call. Why not? You look hot, Dan said so. Nice Dan. Sweet Dan. You’re going to scramble Dan’s molecules on the second date.
10. Be honest.
Okay, I got bored with Mr. Adler’s post at this point and this is when I decided to tear it apart. I feel better. Don’t you? Let’s continue shall we?
11. Take time to listen.
What? I’m sorry, I looked up and your lips were moving. Were you talking to me? Why you getting all mad? I heard half of it. See. See. That’s what I mean. You are so hard to communicate with….arrggh!
12. Accept what can’t be changed.
Dammit, you know Scandal is on, why are you still talking to me? arrrggh!
13. Read daily selections from a book of wisdom.
Okay. Open Twitter Feed.
Dory @ltsDoryBitch Mar 19
these are stronger than most people’s relationships pic.twitter.com/ckrUYBSiRv
(hit reply–insert good one-lol—now retweet. Wisdom shared. Good for me.)
Fat Amy @fatamypost Mar 19
Me after running up the stairs 😩 pic.twitter.com/xcISqTPKEY
Great! now that song is stuck in my head. Reply to @fatamypost BOOO! Now retweet to screw up someone else’s day by making them sing that song….I got time while she got freedom…..and when a heart breaks, no it don’t break, no it don’t break even…
14. Travel at least two weeks of the year.
This does not mean you Kobe Bryant; you still have to dribble.
15. Catch yourself before negativity starts.
You know you don’t need that cookie, but dammit, if you are going to eat it, be happy about it. There are children all over the world wishing they had a cookie, and you do. If you are going to buy it, the eat the hell out it! Go ahead, Nom Nom Nom
16. Dress well.
Go to the local old folks clothing store and buy yourself a pair of the fun, funky pants. I think you will look cute in them.
That cross is in her butt crack.
17. Enjoy sadness.
I saw an episode of the Walking Dead. Screw that! You can’t get any sadder than that crap, and I will tell you right here and now, I did not enjoy it. Not at all. keep your sadness to yourself Mr. Happy Pants.
18. Eat well.
Food taste better with people you like. Don’t be a zombie and eat the people, just find a way to get the girls or guys over to break bread and talk some trash.
19. Keep in touch with your friends and family.
Do Facebook posts count? I sent a text the other day with a happy face.
20. Be alone.
It’s 2 in the morning and I am at my computer, but really, is anyone, ever really alone. Even as I reach the end of this post, you are here. Therefore, I am not alone.
I feel happier though.
Taking a Lazy Day
It is a wonderful Sunday. The sun is bright outside and daylight savings time has occurred today springing me forward and allowing me to sleep one hour past the time I should have arisen. It is because of this, that I got a late start on my day. I then gave some real consideration to why and I always in a hurry.
I get up with my feet hitting thee floor starting the race through a self-imposed maze that I call my life. Today, I am holding on to the cheese and taking a seat in the big chair, popping some corn, and taking control of the remote. Mama is having a lazy day.
For those of you who are unfamiliar, a lazy day is one of those wonderfully, beautiful, eloquent days where you turn off the phone, stock pile the munchies from the cabinet and your neurotic hiding places, and do absolutely nothing. Yes, I said neurotic hiding place. You know, the spot behind the cookie jar where you stash that Snickers, or the mini Moon Pie, or that last oatmeal raisin cookie for just so emergencies. Emergencies like my co-worker got on my nerves today. I love my child who is getting on my nerves. My husband, God bless his soul, is getting on my last M*&^%$ing nerve, where is my oatmeal raisin cookie so I can feel better?
I have my Moon Pie in the arm of the recliner, Steven Segal and Marg Helgenberger are in some movie about rednecks that live in the mountains, I have a nice cup of tea and all is right with world. It is a really bad movie. The one on before it in black and white about a dumb cowboy out for revenge was worse. I turned to SyFy and they seem to be on auto play with Resident Evil. I am watching these because they inspire me.
Oh, I thought about reading a book. Lord knows next week I need to start writing a new one, but today, I am inspired by the flawed story. There are gaffs in these movies a mile wide and I can sit and watch and be entertained. I can even ponder plausible plot synopsis to make these movies better.
It is my lazy day and I can do anything I want. Dinner was the same thing as lunch, a tuna sandwich and an apple. I had a Moon Pie for dessert. Maybe later, I will even take a shower. Because it is my lazy day, maybe I won’t.
Don’t hate, ameliorate.
When did men stop being men?
Last month, as part of our saving more campaign, hubby and I decided to cancel some unnecessary subscriptions and memberships. Reluctantly, this cancellation included my new love, Sirius Satellite radio. I miss having the freedom to avoid advertising and Shock Jocks, but alas, without my trust iPod at my side, I was forced to listen to the radio. I tuned in to Michael Baisden. He had an interesting topic and wanted to know, when did men stop being men?
I don’t think that men have stopped being men; I think women have stopped being ladies. In an ever changing world, roles became muddled in the 80’s, transfused in the 90’s and in the new millennia, these roles have been transposed. We don’t know what we want anymore, who we want or how to live with the opposite sex. We can’t communicate because unless it is a BBM or a text message, face time is only applicable if it involves the Facetime app. How can we expect our men to know what to say let alone how to act?
The problem is really two fold. I think as mothers, we have become so protective of bad women who were not properly raised, that we shelter our sons. Our sheltered sons are often torn between holding in their mouths the breasts of their women and the breasts of their mothers. It is hard to realize such extremes, but to be honest, it is where we are. Our men cannot be men, because they are still being their mom’s little boys. Mother’s must learn to let them go so they can leave your homes and began their own.
When Mom learns to let go, men can then become independent to find their way. Don’t worry Mom, if you raised him right, he will know how to treat a lady and will only attract the good ones. But, in order to attract a good man, you must first be a good woman. Being a good woman means you must learn to honest and stop introducing the men in your lives to you designated representatives (DR). Your DR is that person you are pretending to be to get this man to like or love you. You wonder why the relationship goes south; because once you tire of the charade, the real you comes out. Nine times out of ten, he will not like the real you. As a matter of fact, you argue all the time because the real you and your DR are at odds. However, you will not be kind and end it until you have reduced him to a pulverized mass weeping on the kitchen floor. I feel sorry for the woman that gets him next.
Men have not stopped being men, we have stopped being ladies. Our DR’s show up and promise the poor fella that he has discovered a rare gem, when really it is just a lump a coal covered in green spray paint and shined up with Armor All. How do you know how to pick a good partner or mate when you can no longer trust your judgment? You don’t judge, you just learn to feel. If what you are doing feels good, then good is okay. It no longer becomes relevant to find something permanent, because every one lies. Everyone has a DR, and tonight, it is your turn to entertain the reps.
If the latest rep or DR can pole dance, then the night is going to be hot! Who needs love when I can borrow it for a few minutes? I can be a good man tomorrow, however tonight, I am going to be a bad boy. Life is short, why waste it thinking? I am still thinking about the original question and I have no answer for you Mr. Baisden.
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Are You Overstimulated?
In these modern times, you are accessible. You can be reached 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and there are very few minutes to breath. By the time you update your Facebook status, send out a few tweets, check your blog, your phone is ringing. If the phone is not ringing, then there is a text message. If not a text message, there is email notifications on your phone and some of us have gotten smart, and we have Tweetdeck. To be perfectly honest, I think we are all over stimulated.
If you are wondering if you are over stimulated, here are some prime examples. I could not find my keys, and the last place I remember going was the fridge. True enough, my keys were in the fridge sitting on top of the plates that I had planned to put in the cupboard. Stop laughing, what was the last thing you remember actually finishing?
Paul Hammerness and Megan Moore, a couple of Harvard Professors, wrote a lovely book titled Organize Your Mind, Organize Your Life. These two brainiacs say that the occasional misplacing of your keys is the start of a distraction epidemic. Disorganization leads to distraction which leads to clutter, information overload, poor works habits and strained relationships. They apply the tip to just S.T.O.P. The acronym stands for step back, think, organize your thoughts, and proceed with what needs to be done.
I would like to STOP, but I am too stimulated with stuff to take the step back. I want to think but I am too busy thinking about what I need to do. I am trying to organize my thoughts but my iPod keeps going off because Aida is trying to steal my Mayorship on Foursquare. GIJane has just 
commented on Facebook about the comment I made on her wall and Devron has just posted a comment on Funny Ass Picture of the Day and I have to keep up. Shut up, it is important. It is important to me. I need to know these things people!
However, I plan to proceed to a place of happiness and of calm. I realize I am overstimulated because half of the time I cannot turn my brain off to sleep. Those smart asses at Harvard say that I would have less stress and more order in my life if I log off of Twitter, put down my iPod and pick up their book. I tell them to STOP. I don’t plan to over stimulate their wallets. So there Harvard doctors!
Related articles
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iBroke
There are very few things in this life that genuinely surprise me. This past Christmas, I was pleasantly surprised by my family. My son, who is forever brooding in that dark, I am so 
deep manner, gifted me with a really cool watch. My husband usually gives me something impractical that I hold on to for several years before finding a good use for or he gives me something so practical, like socks, which one has to question his thinking. This year he surprised me. I received a gift certificate to my favorite store, Jo-Ann‘s, six new pairs of socks and I got an iPod.
I have been fighting joining the iVerse for many years and often felt it was some form of an exclusive cult of white corded techies. This club consisted of mass collections of iDroids posing as techno beings, who spoke their own language as they made iMovies, published iBooks and downloaded iTunes. I just didn’t get it, but know I do. I was again surprised.
My iPod came ready to go when I turned it on and after adding my little snacked out of apple sticker, I was now a part of the Hoi Polloi. I was now officially a Pod Person. I went online and joined the exclusive club and updated my iCloud. I thought, well how cool is this? I started considering ditching my Droid phone and just relying on my iPod for many of the functions I use on my Evo. I could save a boatload of cash each month while sticking it to the Sprint Gods. I proceeded to download my favorite apps like Foursquare, Fandango, Twitter, Facebook and of course, the Jo-Ann app. This was not enough. I want to be a part of the Tekkie universe so I needed to understand iWork which included iPages, iNumbers and iKeynote. In order to get these gems, a visit to the iStore was required. It turns out that each of these little applications were $9.99 each. Color me surprised!
I then learned that I could also download my favorite movies, music, videos and books. All of these wonderful little pieces of the iVerse start at about $.99 each. Did I mention to even get the iPod started I had to give my credit card information? I wanted these things because I was now a Pod Person and Pod People needed Pod things to make their Pods grow and be bountiful. As day two rolls around, the shine is officially off the penny as well as the Pod, and I have just joined a new exclusive club called iBroke.
However, although it is in our nature to want all the bells and whistles, we can fool ourselves that at $.99 each, I can just get the songs I want. I can watch movies on a cute little appliance that I can hold in my fingers while making my friends and other non-Pod people envious. I can show off my white ear buds and white cords and let others know that I too, was a member of the iClub. Screw that! I have satellite radio. I have Comcast Cable with Xfinity internet and wireless access in my home. I don’t want to watch a movie on a hand held apparatus. I want to kick back on my oversized couch, have an oversized bowl of popcorn and watch a movie on my big ass oversized television!
Yet, I am grateful for my new toy because it provided fodder for me to rant about. I am even grateful for my six new pairs of surprisingly colorful socks. I am glad to also have a new MP3 player and even more grateful that hubby got the best one on the market. I just don’t want to go broke to use it. I will keep you updated on good deals and steals in the Apple Store and even more clever ways to use this device. I am hoping, that in the end, I can remain optmistically surprised.
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Olivia Gaines Author 
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