So I am trolling the internet newsfeeds and FB feeds and I came across this article dated February 4 by Daniel Ryan Adler on Starting Today You Can Be the Happiest Person If You Pick Up These Habits.. I was intrigued and thought I would read the article.
In general, I am a happy person, mainly, because I am too stupid to worry about things in which I have no control. The other reason I am happy is because I can see things as they are and laugh at the absurdity of it all. So please forgive me Mr. Adler, I did thoroughly enjoy your article, but being who I am, I am going to enjoy it even more once I make some adjustments.
I do like your positive start, “I think of myself as the happiest person whenever I walk into a room, and most people notice my smile right away. Here are 20 ways you can find yourself as happy as I am.”
My first thought, his doctor gave him some good sh*t. If I up my happy pills, I can be the happiest son of a gun in the room too. Follow it up with a glass of Chenin Blanc, you would have to pull me off the chandelier. So I am going to follow your list, but add my own versions of what you are seeing.
1. Let it go.
If you are sitting down making lists on how to manage your life, this is probably the first thing you need to let go. Life is about living not sitting at home making lists about sh*t you know you shouldn’t be doing anyway.
2. Be kind.
Go ahead and tell your best friend LaQueeda that she should not wear that dress because even on the savannah, that zebra print dress would confuse the hell out anything and anyone. Be kind, tell her it perplexes you just watching her ass move in it, and she should never wear it again. In the long run, when she starts speaking to you again, it will be okay.
You know you don’t have all of the rent today, and honestly, you ain’t going to have it tomorrow either. BUT, in two days, when Pookie comes back, you will have the rest. Go ahead and give them what you have, say you will pay the late fee, and bring the rest when Pookie hooks you up. You have just challenged yourself and succeeded. Look at you grow.
4. Express gratitude.
The next time you call your sister and she launches into that long winded rant about her ailments and maladies, yell in the phone, “Thank God you are alive one more day to complain about it. I know some people who are dead today. Go ahead, if you don’t believe me, pick up the obituary. See, dead folks…ain’t you grateful?” I bet she feels a whole lot better about her gout.
Yeah, that one. Don’t be scared. Walk up to that big ball of sexiness and let them know lucky they are. If you weren’t already taken, you would ride them so hard you would scramble their molecules. And because you are scientifically inclined, you can separate the DNA and rebuild them to be even sexier. GO hard or GO home is my motto.
6. Speak well of others.
Don’t be shy, tell your boss that you are very happy that Ellen got the promotion; it wasn’t your turn. You can even let him now that since she separated her eyebrows, her confidence is way up. Way to go Ellen!
7. Be in the now.
Put down the cell phone and yell across the gym at random people, “I am unfriending you now in person, I will do it again when I finish on the treadmill. But then I will use my phone!” Who says your communication skills are not what they used to be, everyone in the room heard you.
8. Do not compare yourself to others.
There is absolutely no point. Her boobs are bigger and will sag way before yours do. And so what if you gained a little weight, at least you aren’t STILL single. It doesn’t matter if you had a cheeseburger and fries for lunch. Rhona had a twizzle stick, a craisin, and a bottle of water. Yeah, she may be a size 4, but she is hungry as F*ck and single. Let her gnaw on that while she is dreaming her pillow is a marshmallow. Oh yeah, she is sleeping alone, because she is single.
9. Realize you don’t need others’ approval.
Of course you don’t need anyone’s approval. HOWEVER, Dan in accounting said you look really hot in the green dress. Go ahead, wear it every other Thursday when you know he is coming to your floor for the bi-weekly conference call. Why not? You look hot, Dan said so. Nice Dan. Sweet Dan. You’re going to scramble Dan’s molecules on the second date.
10. Be honest.
Okay, I got bored with Mr. Adler’s post at this point and this is when I decided to tear it apart. I feel better. Don’t you? Let’s continue shall we?
11. Take time to listen.
What? I’m sorry, I looked up and your lips were moving. Were you talking to me? Why you getting all mad? I heard half of it. See. See. That’s what I mean. You are so hard to communicate with….arrggh!
12. Accept what can’t be changed.
Dammit, you know Scandal is on, why are you still talking to me? arrrggh!
13. Read daily selections from a book of wisdom.
Okay. Open Twitter Feed.
@ltsDoryBitch Mar 19
these are stronger than most people’s relationships pic.twitter.com/ckrUYBSiRv
(hit reply–insert good one-lol—now retweet. Wisdom shared. Good for me.)
@fatamypost Mar 19
Me after running up the stairs 😩 pic.twitter.com/xcISqTPKEY
Great! now that song is stuck in my head. Reply to @fatamypost BOOO! Now retweet to screw up someone else’s day by making them sing that song….I got time while she got freedom…..and when a heart breaks, no it don’t break, no it don’t break even…
14. Travel at least two weeks of the year.
This does not mean you Kobe Bryant; you still have to dribble.
15. Catch yourself before negativity starts.
You know you don’t need that cookie, but dammit, if you are going to eat it, be happy about it. There are children all over the world wishing they had a cookie, and you do. If you are going to buy it, the eat the hell out it! Go ahead, Nom Nom Nom
16. Dress well.
Go to the local old folks clothing store and buy yourself a pair of the fun, funky pants. I think you will look cute in them.
That cross is in her butt crack.
17. Enjoy sadness.
I saw an episode of the Walking Dead. Screw that! You can’t get any sadder than that crap, and I will tell you right here and now, I did not enjoy it. Not at all. keep your sadness to yourself Mr. Happy Pants.
18. Eat well.
Food taste better with people you like. Don’t be a zombie and eat the people, just find a way to get the girls or guys over to break bread and talk some trash.
19. Keep in touch with your friends and family.
Do Facebook posts count? I sent a text the other day with a happy face.
20. Be alone.
It’s 2 in the morning and I am at my computer, but really, is anyone, ever really alone. Even as I reach the end of this post, you are here. Therefore, I am not alone.
I feel happier though.