Who are you calling old?

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This was shared with me via email by a writing friend, and I found myself laughing so loud and empathizing at the same time.  Enjoy.


This is  hilarious!!! (Only because it’s so close to  home!!!)   

             $5.37!    That’s  what the kid behind the counter at Taco  Bell said to  me.    I  dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two  dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher.    Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head  back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me.   

He said, “It’s OK. I’ll just give you the senior citizen  discount.” I turned to see who  he was talking to and then heard the sound of change  hitting the counter in front of  me.   

“Only  $4.68”  he said cheerfully. I stood there stupefied. I  am 56, not even 60 yet?    A  mere child!    Senior  citizen? I took my burrito and walked out to  the truck wondering what was wrong with  Elmo.    Was he blind?    As I sat in the truck, my blood began to  boil.    Old?  Me?

I’ll show him, I  thought.    I  opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to  the counter,  and  there he was waiting with a smile. Before I  could say a word, he held up something and jingled it  in front of me,  like  I could be that easily  distracted!   

What am I now?    A toddler? “Dude!  Can’t get too far without your car keys,  eh?”   

I  stared with utter disdain at the  keys.    I  began to rationalize in my mind! 

“Leaving  keys behind hardly makes a man  elderly!    It could happen to  anyone!” I turned and headed back to the truck.    I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn’t  turn. 

What now?    I checked my keys and tried  another.    Still nothing. That’s when I noticed the purple beads hanging  from my rear view mirror.    I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus:    The car seat in the back seat.    Happy Meal toys spread all over the  loorboard.    A partially eaten dough nut on the dashboard. Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien  vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot,   relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.    That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger!    My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my  burrito,   only it was nowhere to be found. I swung the truck around, gathered my courage,  and strode back into the restaurant one final  time.    There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail  polish.    All I could think was, “What  is the world coming to?” All I could say was, “Did  I leave my food and drink in here”?   

At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me  back to my vehicle,  and then go straight home and apply for Social Security  benefits. Elmo had no clue.    I  walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention.    He was holding up a drink and a  bag.    His mother explained,    “I think you left this in my truck by mistake.” I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized. She offered these kind  words:    “It’s OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the  time.”

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone.    Yessss,  I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.    And no, I told the officer, I’m not too old to be driving this fast. As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the  hall.    I  handed her a bag of cold food and a  $300 speeding ticket.   

I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey. The good news was that I had successfully found my way  home. Pass this on to the other “old fogies” on your list (so they can have fun laughing, too). Notice the larger  type?   

That’s for those of us who have trouble reading. P.S.  Save the earth…… It’s the only planet with  chocolate!!!!!


One thought on “Who are you calling old?

    sharondschroeder said:
    March 17, 2013 at 1:33 pm

    I re-read what I had just sent and laughed again!


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