It never fails, we sit down to lunch, I load in a mouthful of salad, and out of her mouth spews forth something that makes me almost choke. My friend Aubrey gives new meaning to colloquialisms. It is not as if she uses the phrases incorrectly, but she laces old school wisdom with words that are not usually paired. For example, she stated a young lady showed up to an event looking like “damn it, I’ll bite ‘cha!” I’m not sure what that is supposed to look like, but I had a visual in mind.
I often find myself marveling at her wisdom while attempting not to break out in laughter at her word choices. Here is another example. We were speaking of a friend of hers who was going through some adversity. Try as her friend might, things were just not quite working out in her life. Aubrey looks me straight in the face and tells me, “Sometimes God presents you with an opportunity to get out of a bad situation.” I know right? I thought the same thing, how accurate the statement is considering there have been bad situations in my life where, when the miraculous opportunity presented itself to escape, I did. However, she ruined the pearl of wisdom by adding, she was okay to be alone, and because it was giving her lady parts an opportunity to marinate, mature and develop a pure flavor. Huh?
Again I choked.
I almost wanted to leave the table but curiosity forced me to sit still and hear more. The conversation continued about this friend who chose a man over her children. “What kind of man do you have that he would allow you to do such a thing? He is not a man especially, if he encourages you to put him before your children.” Again, I know right. Yet she follows it up with the next pairing, “that kind of d*ck can make a body sick.” Huh?
I can’t help but laugh, because she says the darnest things. Just when I start to think I will be able to finish my meal without choking, along comes a young fine specimen of manhood that gives our table a courtesy glance. He nods, I smile. Aubrey makes head on eye contact, the young man speaks, “How you doing?” I now find that I am actually holding my breath. Aubrey answers him with, “Anybody I can, you next?”
Go ahead, say it with me…..huh?
The young man was shocked. I was shocked and the only thing left was to laugh. All three of us, and the young man, said he would have to remember that one. I finally am able to finish my lunch with a shake of my head, because she says the darnest things.